After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "BAD DOG!"
A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?
Negative, maam. Just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action.
Yes, maam, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?
Well, there you are. No wonder youre so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didnt forget much since 1955.
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; its only 2130 now.
The cat's chalkboard assignments:
In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).
5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.
6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food
7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.
8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear
9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea
10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.
11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it
12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.
Cat Dreams 1:
Cat Dreams 2: