Monday, November 17, 2014

Too Bad It's Monday Humor + KATZ

Late Night Funnies

Jimmy Fallon:
Yesterday the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really need an excuse?

Conan O'Brien:
Developers are working on a new app that gives you a 10-second warning before an earthquake. The app is called "Too Late."

Craig Ferguson:
A "Duck Dynasty" musical is in the works. It's predicted to be very popular with fans of "Duck Dynasty" who also love musical theater. In other words, nobody. Actors who audition should be proficient in singing, dancing, and hiding their sexual orientation.I wonder what the "Duck Dynasty" musical will be called? Perhaps "Quackin' in the Rain." "Fiddler on the Pond." Or "Hello Ducky."

Seth Meyers:
A teenager in Arkansas was arrested after he was caught driving without a license on his way to the DMV to take a driving test, tried to flee, and crashed into a police car. On the plus side, it sounds like he was probably going to fail anyway.

David Letterman:
Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game. You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

Jimmy Kimmel:
Sesame Street turned 45 years old. If you are not familiar with it, Sesame Street is how we entertained our children before we could just hand them an iPhone. Things have changed on Sesame Street since 1969 when it first went on. The street itself is totally gentrified. It's all Muppet hipsters now. And Oscar's garbage can is a fair-trade coffee shop. Mr. Hooper's store is a Lululemon. Cookie Monster is gluten free.

Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.

The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.

The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.

Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"

"He confessed"

When I was a kid, my mom always used to quote the punchline of this joke. Today, four decades later, I finally heard the joke itself.

On a hot day, a guy ducks into a bar for a beer. There is no one in the bar but the bartender, a pianist, and a little monkey dancing on the piano.

The guy is drinking his beer, when the monkey comes over, dancing ever more energetically, stepping, jumping, twirling. The dance reaches its frenzied climax, and the monkey gives a little bow, and walks over to glass of beer sitting on the bar, and dunks his testicles in the beer, saying "Ahhhh" as his over-heated genitalia are cooled.

The guy goes over to the piano. "Hey," he says, "Do you know your monkey is soaking his balls in my beer?"

"No," replies the pianist. "But if you hum a few bars, I can fake it."

Many people are lined up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them that due to the recent influx of people, they will only be accepting those into heaven who have had a difficult life or particular gruesome death.

He asks the first man in line how he died, the man tells him, "I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch them at it. I found the guy hanging from his fingertips on my balcony, naked. I got my hammer and went out there and started hitting his fingers. He fell, but landed in the bushes. He was okay. So then I went inside and got the refrigerator and pushed it off onto him. The strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died."

St. Peter agreed that this was an exceptional circumstance, so he allows the man in. Then he asks the next man how he died. The man begins, "I was on my balcony doing nude yoga when I twisted my ankle and fell off. Thankfully, I was able to catch hold of the balcony below me. But then this lunatic came out and started hitting my with a hammer. I fell, but landed in some bushes. Then the idiot pushed a refrigerator off onto me and I died."

St. Peter lets this man in as well. Then turns to the next man and asks him to explain how he died. "Okay, picture this. I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." begins the man.




  1. Just noticed that people aren't writing comments like they used to. Thanks for the jokes, Nick.