Too Bad Its Monday + KATZ

Tis the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house

No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse,

For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed;

I’m not gettin’ up and I’m not bakin’ bread.

No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce

Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss.

When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter

I almost got up to see what was the matter.

As I drew in my head and was tossing around

To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

He scared me to death and I thought, “Here he goes!”

He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt

And the look that he gave was intended to wilt.

So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw

I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue.

“You prancer, you dodger, you’re lazy, you vixen

Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you’re fixin.”

But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout:

"I'm just plain too tired and we're eating out!"

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy answered, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

Jimmy Fallon:

After signing a contract for $325 million this week, Marlins player Giancarlo Stanton celebrated with a $20,000 bottle of Champagne. So let the road to inexplicable bankruptcy begin!

David Letterman:

There will be no Kardashian family Christmas card this year because they couldn't decide on an appropriate photo. I thought, when did the word "appropriate" ever have anything to do with that family?

Seth Meyers:

Today police in Israel seized dozens of weapons that had been disguised as Christmas decorations. Israeli police became suspicious when they saw CHRISTMAS decorations.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus cussed something awful.  Now Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.

Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cussed terribly, so Martha but him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off.  Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey.

'And have you learned your lesson about cussing?' Martha asked the parrot. 

Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said: 'I sure have.  But I have one I have a question, "What did the turkey do?" '

KATZ