Too Bad It's Monday Humor and KATZ

A New Year Prayer For the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, 

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

• My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey. 
• New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper. 
• My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions. 
• If 2014 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages. 
• This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess
• People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck in 2015.
• Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.
• Every year I make a resolution to change myself....... this year makeing a resolution to be myself! 
• I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2015. 
• Just heard that in 2015 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it’s called alcohol. 
• My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That way I succeed at something! 

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

COOL!

On New Year's Day a married couple had been out shopping for most of the day. Suddenly the wife realised that her husband had "disappeared". Somewhat irate she called her husband's mobile and demanded, 'Where are you?'

Husband: 'Darling, do you remember that little jewellery shop where you saw that beautiful diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it but I didn't have the money at that time and I said "Darling it'll be yours one day."'

Wife, tremulously, 'Yes, I do remember that my love.'

Husband, 'Well I'm in the Pub next to that shop.'

Jimmy Fallon:

Everybody celebrates holidays differently. This year many people are traveling to theme parks. They're going to events like Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party and the Dr. Seuss-inspired Grinchmas Who-liday Spectacular. And of course, the most popular event — go play while mommy and daddy drink.

David Letterman:

Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.

Conan O'Brien:

We're having our office Christmas party tonight. Just like last year, I'm going to get drunk, make a fool of myself, and then go to the office Christmas party.

Craig Ferguson:

Tomorrow night will be my final night hosting this show. 'Twas the night before I finished and all through CBS employees are stealing office supplies. One year from today, the new "Star Wars" movie opens. Mark my words — I'll be there at that movie, probably selling popcorn.

Jimmy Kimmel:

Nobody knows Jesus' exact birthday because he refuses to sign up for Facebook.

Seth Meyers:

The Kris and Bruce Jenner divorce was made official today. They ask only that the media allow them to handle this family matter publicly.

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. 

"The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ " she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it."

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

KATZ