Too Bad Its Monday Humor + Christmas KATZ

A boy and his father went out shopping in the toy department of Hamley's Department Store one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, 'What a marvellous train set. I'll buy it.'

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, 'Great, I'm sure your son will really love it.'

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, 'Maybe you're right. In that case I'll take two.'

Department Store Santa Peeves

8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.

7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.

6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch" 

5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask 

4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School 

3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes 

2. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam

1. Two words: lap rash 

A parent's night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house

I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied and we were inspired,

In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,

While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:

A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!

And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....

Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;

If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,

But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named,

So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,

All over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!

Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."

"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact

That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night

With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,

Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin

Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,

We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,

"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,

And not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set

For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,

Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...

I'd forgotten that batteries are never included! 

• It is officially one week until Christmas. That means if you're a guy, you have six days until you have to start shopping.~ CONAN O'BRIEN
• Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA. ~ DAVID LETTERMAN
• After closing their final session, the outgoing 113th Congress has an approval rating of just 16 percent. To give you some perspective, Cosby is at 17. ~ SETH MEYERS
• This evening marks the beginning of Hanukkah. It's that special tradition where people find out their friend is Jewish and think back on the number of times they've asked them what they were doing for Christmas.~ JIMMY FALLON
• Hanukkah lasting for eight nights is a good idea. When you give gadgets to older relatives, it gives you more time to explain them. I gave my aunt an iPad for her birthday. She uses it as a cigarette tray. ~ JIMMY KIMMEL

The Australian Christmas

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,

Sweating his fat away

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,

Water-skis on his sleigh

Never have a white Christmas

When you in Melbourne live

Wearing hot pants on the beach

When you your presents give

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,

Sweating his fat away

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,

Water-skis on his sleigh

Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk

Castles in the sand

Eating ice-cream, having good talks

Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. 

"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." 

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a minor Communist party official walking toward them. 

"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" 

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. 

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" 

To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!" 

KATZ

Not too late to order from Amazon.com