Monday, December 08, 2014

Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ

Maria is a devout Catholic.  (No condoms for her!)  She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together."

A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."

First God created earth, then God rested...
Then God created man, then God rested...

Then God created women and no one has rested since!

Anna had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over, so she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

"Jeeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?" 

"Well, Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed" 

"But my dress?" 

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up" 

"But what about my underwear?" 

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them". 

"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!" 

"Only the first time, Madam." 

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large Rottweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" 

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.  "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. 

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. 

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. 

Then the teacher asked April a third question.  "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"  

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. 


The Teacher fainted.

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. 

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. T

he pastor asked her to come to the front, so slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. 

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."