Sometimes Saintly Nick is not feeling well
so T.B.I.M. is late.
A long line leading to the ladies’ room greeted my friend’s wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her into the empty men’s room, then stood guard. When she exited a few minutes later, a man waiting his turn called out, “I hope you remembered to put up the toilet seat.”
~ Readers' Digest
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?" God asks her.
"Lord," she says, "I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples," she says.
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you," the good Lord tells her.
"What's a 'man', Lord?" she inquires.
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressivetendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?" she asks.
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No s**t!'''
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?'
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat''s Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag"
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500 ft drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud "Splat!"
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
"Focket Dat," Paddy says, "dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me..."
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag.'
Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean's mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An oim never troyin'' that parrotshooting oider..."
After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag.'
Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'' hengliding..."
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’
So he asks the man behind the cash register, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?”
The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"