Monday, February 09, 2015

Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".' 
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.' 

The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'

Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.' 

There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address.  She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'

One morning Emma woke up with a start.  Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," Jim said.

That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams."

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Girl: Yes, February 14th.

Roses are red, but there are also pink, white and yellow varieties
Violets aren't blue, they're violet, hence the name
I've got OCD
And my poetry skills are also lacking.

Last year, on Valentine's Day, my fiancée of five years bought me a lottery ticket and I won £6.2 million.

I wonder what she's doing nowadays.

What’s does my perfect Valentine’s day look like? I am sitting at work with 5 cell phones in front of me and people are calling me every 10 minutes to buy one of the 50 reservations that I made in different restaurants.

A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that." 

"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?" 

"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. 

"You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend. 

"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry." 

It was Saint Valentine's Day. An old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone on Valentine's Day, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up." 

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!" 

So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke. "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy." 

Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. 

The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18." 

Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. 

"Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!" 

Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leaped up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "UH, Now you're really going to be sorry that you had me neutered." 


For St. Valentine's Sometimes Saintly Nick

69 years old

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