Too Bad Its Monday Humor has Returned

T.B.I.M. is back. Nick’s Bytes weekly humor post has not been posted since before the incidents of April  12^th and the lengthy time I spent in hospital and rehab. Please enjoy today’s humor.

 

An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: Buon tiro, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: Grazie.

The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: Tir fantastique, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies Merci.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out Ura-ana, ura-ana, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

 

TIPS FOR YANKEES TRAVELING IN THE SOUTH

• If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.
• If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.
• Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
• Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
• Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
• If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
• If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
• Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
• As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
• You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

 

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
• If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

KATZ