Too Bad Its Monday Humor and KATZ

The Best Late Night Jokes from Last Week

Halloween is just a couple days away. Everybody's getting in the spirit. In fact last night, I watched TWO scary movies: the Republican debate and the Mets game. (I'll be having nightmares for WEEKS!) ~ Jimmy Fallon

Analysts are saying that after last night’s dismal performance at the debate, Jeb Bush’s donors are in "full panic mode." Apparently, last night Jeb Bush called his two biggest donors and said, "Calm down, Mom and Dad." ~ Conan O'Brien

The worst of memorable moments: We learned Donald Trump carries a gun. He told the group he carries a concealed weapon, conceals it in his hair. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

"Star Wars" creator George Lucas has gotten approval to build a 300,000-square-foot museum in Chicago. And if you think that sounds exciting, just wait until you've tried sex.~ Seth Meyers

 

 One day this lady wakes up to find a gorilla on her roof. She calls the Police to report it and to have it removed.

The Police think her a crack-pot and tell her that gorillas are out of their jurisdiction. They suggest that she should call an animal trapper.

She looks through the Yellow pages and sure enough, there it was "Acme Animal trappers."
So she calls them up and explains that she has a gorilla on her roof and she wants it removed.

They said they know of the gorilla, its name is "Bonzo" and that its owner had died some years ago. The gorilla is kept at the Zoo and gets out in search of it owner. It will cost her lots to get it off the roof.

The lady said, "I don't care what it cost. Just get the beast off the roof."

A half hour later a pick-up truck with a cage and ladder in back arrives and two men and a dog get out. The men pull off the cage and set it open with the dog in front. The ladder came off next and they set it the yard, then one of the men walks up to the lady and hands her a gun.

"Look lady, I'm going to put the ladder against the house and sneak up on the gorilla, and knock him off the roof with this club. Then my partner is going to knock the gorilla out with his club. The dog gets riled up and will grab the gorilla by the balls, I mean testicles, ma'am, and helplessly drag the gorilla into the cage."

The lady said she understood and the man sets the ladder against the house and gets halfway up when the lady calls out, "But sir, what do I do with this gun?"

The man pats his forehead and says, "Oh my God. I almost forgot. If I miss the gorilla and fall off the roof... Shoot the Dog!"

 

 A blonde is walking her dog on a hot summer day. She decides to go into a diner. She ties the dog under a shade tree. A policeman comes by, then goes into the diner and asks whose dog is tied up outside. The blonde says it's hers.

The cop says, "lady your dog's in heat,"

She says, "no it isn't, I put it in the shade."

He says, "no, you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred,"

She says, "no, can't be, I fed it before we left."

The cop finally says, "Lady, your dog wants to have sex,"

She says, "Well go ahead then, I always wanted a police dog!"

 

 A bottle collector goes around his neighborhood looking for bottles. He comes to a house and knocks on the door. An old woman opens it up and gruffly asks, "What do ya want?

The man backs up a bit and asks nicely, "Do you have any old beer bottles?"

The lady once again asks, in the same harsh way, "Do I look like I drink beer?"

The man asks politely, "Well, do you have any old vinegar bottles?"

 

A man calls the front desk from room 1248 in a hotel. Ask the clerk for "maintenance". Clerk wants to know what the problem is. Man tells here that his wife has gone berserk and is threatening to jump out the window. Clerk tells him that this is a police matter, not a maintenance issue. Man tells her that the window won't open and THAT is a maintenance issue. 

A painter was hired to paint the local Baptist Church. It looked quite good and the painter was paid and on his way.

A few weeks later after a heavy rain it became clear that the paint had been diluted so much that if faded badly after the rain.

The painter was called back and after being confronted by his error was asked what he could do to make amends.

The Pastor replied "Repaint and Thin No More."

KATZ