President Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance to talk about prison reform, and to catch up with so many former congressmen. –Jimmy Fallon
Congress said they planned to address the report next week because it's already Tuesday. –Jimmy Kimmel
I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter. –Jon Stewart
According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it's being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback. –Conan O'Brien
A 65 year old guy goes to the doctor. He's in great shape. Doctor says, "You've got good genes. How old was your father when he died?"
Guy says, "Did I say my father had died?"
Doctor says, "You mean your father is still alive? How old is he?"
Guy says, "My father is 87."
Doctor says, "That's great! How old was your grandfather when he died?"
Guy says, "Did I say my grandfather had died?"
Doctor says, "You mean your grandfather is still living? How old is he and how is his health?"
Guy says, "My grandfather is 112 years old and he is in great shape. He just got married last month!"
Doc says, "Why in the world would a 112 year old want to get married?"
Guy says, "Did I say my grandfather WANTED to get married?"
A lady takes her dog to the vet because he is hard of hearing. The vet tells her to just get some hair removal cream and use it in the dogs ears. They are just too full of hair.
So she goes to the pharmacist and asks for Nair. He gives it to her and says "If it's for your upper lip, stay out of the sun for a day".
She says its not.
"Well, if it's for your underarms, stay out of the gym for a couple of days".
Again, she says it's not. She says "It's for my chihuahua".
The pharmacist says "Oh, in that case, stay off your bike for a week"
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!
I was driving through West Texas and saw a hitchhiker. It was the middle of nowhere so I picked him up. He kept staring at a brown bag I had on the seat between us. I said, "if you're wondering about the bag, it's a bottle of wine I got for my wife."
He nodded his head a couple of times and said, "Good trade!"
Herbert came home with a black eye. His mother said,"Oh Honey, what happened?"
Herb said, " I made a joke about the Pope and Betsy popped me."
"Don't you know Betsy is catholic?" his mother asked.
Herb moaned, "Yes, but I didn't know the pope is!"
(Best read with a good Irish brogue)
It was a busy night at the pub, as Sean, the barkeep, looks up and sees ol' Paddy Maloney stumble through the door. Paddy's got his arm in a sling, a bandage 'round his head and he's draggin' a leg, and as he gets closer, Sean hollers out: "Paddy, ya look terrible, what's happened to ya?"
"Well", Paddy says, "Little Jamie O'Connor did this to me."
Sean says, "that little shit! He couldn't do that ... he must'a had something in his hand!"
"Aye", Paddy says, "that he did - a shovel he had and a mighty lickin' he gave me with it."
Sean: "Well, ya didn't have something in your hand??"
Paddy: "Aye, that I did - Mrs O'Connor's breast ... and a thing o' beauty it is ... but useless in a fight..."