Monday, December 14, 2015

Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ

 Once upon a time, they said...

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." ~ Phyllis Diller
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” ~ Johnny Carson

"Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." (On Bill O'Reilly's objection to "Happy Holidays") ~ Jon Stewart

"I love my family but my family -- they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did... I was in the first grade Christmas play -- I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus... They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby...' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'" ~ Wanda Sykes

"Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!" ~ Lewis Black

"I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!' Then if there's a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'" ~ Marc Maron

"My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn't I get to open this year?" ~ Laura Kightlinger

"I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it." ~ Demetri Martin

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." ~ George Carlin

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." ~ Jay Leno

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

"Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the man of the rabbi.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"What did he say?" asked the man.

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "what are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kids says, "a circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."


10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table. 
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino. 
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them. 
7. Use as railroad ties. 
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers. 
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins. 
4. Use instead of cement shoes. 
3. Save for next summer's garage sale. 
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition. 
1. Two words: pin cushion.

The blonde driving her car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. 

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. 

Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." 

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." 


"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." 

"That's not why it's there." 


"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" 

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye." 



Here are some cool (and cheap) Christmas gifts recommended by Sometimes Saintly Nick

No comments:

Post a Comment