The Shortest Story

Please listen to the too short song before continuing:

Harry Chapin: The Shortest Story

Harry Chapin believed that hunger and starvation in the United States was an abomination. The world's most wealthy nation should not allow its people to go hungry, much less starve to death. If Harry were alive today, I believe that he would say the same about allowing people in the United States to suffer and die because they can not afford medical care.

You can do something to save health care legislation:

Send message to Congress: Click HERE

You can do something to feed the world: 

Hunger Resources: Click HERE

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes and Humor

In May of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 

 A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice. When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there. So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man coolly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

 

My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk,

"Is there anything in the store for men?"

"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men." 

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."




A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

 

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it... When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"

Here is another very old one:

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religious man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God.

He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down."

St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

 WINNIE:

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.

2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.

3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.

4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).

5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.

6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food

7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.

8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear

9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea

10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.

11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;

12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.



Over the past few months I have become addicted to the Graham Norton Show on BBC America:

KATZ

 Laughs I have enjoyed that you can purchase and earn me a 4% commission (this is a Sometimes SaintlyNick commercial):

Chelsea Handler

Why Is There Air?

The Life of Bryan

Brother Dave Gardner

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst?

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied. ~ Mathew 5:6

Food prices have increased by 83% around the world in the past 12 months.

With the cost of food skyrocketing around the world, there are today millions of hungry people. Are they blessed?

With less than 2.5% of the world’s water in drinkable form (contain no salt) and corporations gobbling up those resources for profit as fast as they can, the number of thirsty people are growing each day. Are they blessed?

The immediate response of the United States to this hunger crisis has been $200 million in food aid. However, in the need for affordable food, $200 million provides no more than a snack.

Debnath Guharoy, in an article in The Jakarta Post entitled Global hunger, corporate greed: When will enough be enough? writes:

A kilogram of rice costs more than US$1 and a barrel of oil costs over $100. One influences the other. The subprime loan crisis will cost more than $1 trillion and the Iraq war will cost the United States alone as much as $3 trillion.

Different problem, same instinct. Many pundits will argue none of this has any connection to global hunger, as if these colossal costs aren't real and do not affect the common man.

… It seems as if the profit motive is no longer an adequate driver of business today. Unbridled greed has taken over, a global corporate culture spreading like a cancer unchecked.

Are these signs of being blessed? And what about this hunger and thirst for righteousness? Are only the righteous to be blessed?

In the ways of the ancient Hebrews, to be righteous means to be just—God’s concept of justice, not the human concept. In contemporary usage the word justice is used when referring to human rights, equality, the equitable distribution of the world’s resources, and the institutions that exist to uphold the law. But when Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount addresses righteousness and justice, he goes beyond the contemporary usage to a more comprehensive justice—a justice that has to do with harmonious relationships, with concord, with peace.

Hunger and thirst speak to us of the basic needs of each person. Justice, in the biblical sense of the word, means to live in conformity with the plan God has for creation, which is to be a family united in love. As with any family, when one is in need, all are in need.

My cupboard is filled with a month’s supply of food from NutriSystem.

My hunger needs are met for at least the coming month. But what about the needs of my sisters and brothers around the world?

There is a line in one of the Eucharistic prayers in the United Church of Christ Book of Worship:

We bless you for the beauty and bounty of the earth and for the vision of the day when sharing by all will mean scarcity for none.

I, among many others, take that line seriously. We believe that God’s creation can provide sufficiently for the needs of all people. We believe by removing the element of greed from humankind and by recognizing in each human being what he or she really is, our neighbor—our sister and brother—with his or her rights and basic equality with everyone else, that that vision of sharing by all will mean scarcity for none can be realized.

We believe that we must love our neighbors—even if they are our enemies—with the same love that the God has for them. We believe that we must be ready and willing to make sacrifices for them, even the greatest one: “To give one’s life for one’s friends.” This means to live with them in mutual giving, sharing our spiritual and material goods, so that all will become one family.

And we believe that we cannot simply stand by and watch the greed of corporations gobble up the necessities of life from our brothers and sisters. We cannot simply look for the vision of sharing by all will mean scarcity for none; we must actively join together to make it a reality. Then and only then our longing for a just and righteous world, as God has envisioned it, will become a reality.

I end this post with a song written and sung by Joe Wise. Please take a moment to click below and listen.

Shalom, my friends.