Monday, August 21, 2006

Monday's Jokes & a Note

Note: Before we get to the jokes, I want you to know that I obtained the results of the medical tests I had last Thursday and all is OK! I am as healthy—or healthier—as any 60-year-old obese dude can expect to be.

Here are the best jokes I received in last week’s emails:

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut

through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been ministering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, " It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one—which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

“How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter: "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

“Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song ...



St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."


(Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder).

This is how it mani

I decide to water my lawn

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there i
s mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk
mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that t
here is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I
go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase
of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will
be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water
in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remot
e back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the lawn isn't watered,
the car isn't wash
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can
of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only
one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
I don't rememb
er what I did with the car keys,
and my neighbor called to tell me he turned off the hose
that was flooding t
he driveway.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing go
t done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to someone you know, because I may not remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh—if th
is isn't you yet, your day is coming!


  1. Yay! Nick is well!!! I'm so very, very glad, Nick.

  2. I am sooooo happy the tests came back to show all is well. *sigh of relief*

    And now I can laugh at the JOKES!


  3. So glad to know all the tests were fine!! Phew. Now everything can be a little bit funnier :)

  4. Checked in to see if you got the med tests back. SO happy all is OK!

    The pictures with the duck reminds me of how I was parented. I hope I do better than my mum.

  5. Good jokes, as always, but I'm thrilled to hear that your tests came out so well. So sorry that you had to wait so long for these good results.

  6. A good report from the doc is always good - but I think I may have a touch of that AAADD. ec

  7. I'm relieved that the tests didn't bring up anything disasterous; I know what you were thinking.

    Take care, Bro!

  8. Congratulations on the lab reports & thanks for the jokes!

  9. Nick, i am soooooooooo glad all is well. Must be a load off your mind, and add a smile to your face :o)

  10. Glad everything came back good and better than good. Can't beat that. Loved the funnies!

  11. thank god!! that is good news..

    so I like the last one....

  12. So you're saying your perfectly okay, except for the not being able to breathe thing? I hate to be a party pooper, but that sounds like something you need to look into a little more thoroughly.

    (Blogger isn't letting me log in today for some reason.)


  13. That's TERRIFIC news!!! I'm sure that brings relief to you mentally as well.

  14. LYNN: Thank you! It was a long weekend awaiting those results.

    NATALIA: Thank you. I have emitted several sighs of relief.

    JAY ARE: Yes, I know. Thank you.

    ABBY: Thank you.

    NIKI: Thank you. Are you still working at the library? My emails don’t seem to be getting through to you.

    SQUIRL: Thank you. The waiting wasn’t easy, but I had resolved to expect the worst and hope for the best.

    MREDDIE: Thank you. I believe that we all, not matter what our age, have a touch of AAADD!

    AZSONOFAGUN: Thank you. Yes, you know what I was thinking: one can’t smoke as long and as much as I without thinking it.

    EX-LOUISVILLE GUY: Thank you, Jim. How is retirement going?

    MICHELLE: Thank you. Yes, I’ve been smiling a lot since Monday.

    SONSON: Thank you. I’m glad you liked the funnies; I don’t think they were the best batch I posted, but then I’m dependent upon what folks email me. I just post what I get.

    ASH: Thank you; it was excellent news and I thank God for it.

    THOMAS: Google won’t allow you to identify yourself? Damn!

    Well, I’m not perfectly OK, but ay least I don’t have ling cancer. That was the big worry. I do have imphazema, but so do most of the people who live in the industrial pollution of the Ohio River Valley. I add to the problem by chain smoking my pipe and cigarettes.

    DEB: Thanks. Yes, I feel much more mentally alert without having to use the energy to keep thoughts of those tests out of my mind.

  15. yay! the tests say you're healthy! woohoo! more cool posts from Nick!

    that Nostradamus/Bush thing is hysterical!

  16. I am releaved that you are ok!!! see ya soon

  17. Glad to hear everything's okay Nick- thank God:)

    Great jokes too!