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Monday, April 07, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes


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In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.


The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"


The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"


The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."



Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."


"Reverend," he said, "We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"

"I've noticed that and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the hat pin".

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin.

"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply. Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband.

Soon, Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"My God!” howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.

"Right again!” bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a hard threatening glare.

Before long, though, she again nodded off. This time however, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a hand gesture that Mr. Jones mistook as a signal to again poke his wife with the hat pin.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick me with that one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"

"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.



Things CATS Must Try To Remember!

  1. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
  2. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
  3. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
  4. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
  5. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
  6. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
  7. Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
  8. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
  9. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
  10. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
  11. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
  12. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
  13. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
  14. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
  15. The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.
  16. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
  17. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
  18. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
  19. I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my parts grow back.
  20. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.


Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."


In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"


And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.


So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.




KATZ

This first one reminds me of
West Side Story.


MEN'S HEALTH: Public Service Announcement

video

20 comments:

  1. Funny stuff. I've seen the picture of the guy taking a wiz and wondered if it was doctored. I mean how far of a run was it back to the locker room?

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  2. I am laughging too hard to type. great humor today! Thanx

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  3. You have me cracking up this time. The prostrate one ... oh dear. I was all set to get more tomatoes but I just don't know now.

    That explains so much about HMOs. I always wondered.

    The cat and the cockroach just creeped me out. I thought bringing a live mouse was bad. Ewww.

    I loved all of them. Very nice and what a great way to get the week started off right. Thank you.

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  4. LOL! I like the cat joke that referenced the X-Files! That was my favourite TV show! :o

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  5. In that first LOL Cat picture I know they'd be snapping their fingers if they just had opposable thumbs. Thank goodness for us that they don't!

    Thanks for the chuckles this morning.
    :-)

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  6. Nick
    Sorry to hear about the bad comment that messed with your computer. I just do not understand those people. The way I feel if you do not like what I have written go somewhere else it is a free country. Why try to mess with someone stuff just because your opinion is different. I guess the older I get the less I understand the mind set of others. Peace

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  7. The God/Satan/HMO one was very good!

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  8. Oh Nick what a joy to drop in on a Monday! These are so funny! Thanks for the laugh.

    And thanks for dropping by mine.

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  9. lol... i was particularly fond of "If I bite the cactus, it will bite back."... heheh..

    i have an aloe plant thatis very special to me (it belonged to a friend who has passed away) and when we first got our cats two years ago they were HORRIBLE creatures who liked to pee on this particular plant. My mom wanted me to use moth balls (can't, had a small child) my mother in law wanted me to use tobasco sauce (can't, would kill the plant) so i was at a barrier.

    I went into walmart going to pick up shampoo and saw these cute little cactus plants. I figured, hey, they are all suculants.. this could work! And righfully so.. cats haven't pees on my plant once since learnign of the biting plants!.. poor things!!

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  10. ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT! As usual!
    I don't know if I could pick a favourite.
    The cat rules are great but 'Jazz Hands' made me chuckle!
    Thanks for the funnies! Much appreciated as ever.
    Hope you and Alex are both ok! x

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  11. I wondered if the footie photo had been doctored too, but it would have been very skilful doctoring to get it all looking just right.

    Does Alex follow the rules? Ha ha! No chance, I bet.

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  12. Very funny - I've taken to cutting and pasting some of these to my BIL who is in Iraq. He needs some humor.

    (next time can we get a warning on the nudity though?)

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  13. This batch of jokes gave me more laughs than watching any sitcom I’ve seen in the past ten years. That includes Seinfeld.

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  14. Nick, as usual these are awesome! I'm prone to the one about the man at the gravesite...and the one about HMO's and the one about the bowl movements...

    You makin' me giggle!!

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  15. Those are brilliant, Nick, particularly the cat ones !!

    Hope you and Alex are fighting fit.

    Take care, Meow

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  16. what was that dude thinking???? mwhahahaha barking mad!!!

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  17. Thanks for the laughs...

    & love little Jazz hands! :)

    Rats! I can't log in Nick, so I'm signing in anonymously...

    rhapsody

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  18. I'd heard that one about the perky boobs and the erections and no clue what to do about it. Just as funny the second time around.

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