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Monday, June 11, 2007

Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.


A teacher in Kentucky asks little Bobby, "Who made the Sun shine?"


Little Bobby replies, "The good Lord did."


"And who made the moon shine?"


"My daddy did."


A wealthy Texas rancher driving through Norway in a rental car sees a man with a horse and plow. The Texan stops, rolls down the window and calls, "Are you a farmer?"

"Yah," the Norskie replies.

"Where is your farm?" the Texan asks.

"From vher I'm standing--down tew dat tree over dere."

"Do you call that a farm?" the Texan rejoins, "Why where I come from, I've got a farm so big it takes me a whole day to drive from one end of it to the other!"

"Yah," the Norskie returns. "Aye yoost to hev a car like dat tew!"


Two old gents and their nurse-attendant were sitting on the lawn of the state hospital enjoying the afternoon, when a little bird flew over and pooped on the one of the bald heads of one of the fellas.

The nurse got all flustered and said to the gents - Don't you guys go anywhere, I'll run in and get some toilet paper, and off she goes.

The old timers looked at each other and one of them said, "Are we crazy or is she crazy, by the time she gets back with the toilet paper, that bird will be a half a mile away.


Two atoms are sitting together in a bar. The first atom says to the second atom, "I lost an electron today."


The second atom asks, "Are you sure?"


The first atom answers, "Yeah, I'm positive!"


A well-worn 1-dollar bill and a similarly distressed 20-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The 20-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had pretty good life," the 20 proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"


"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"


The 1-dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church...”

The 20-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"


What is a diminished fifth to a country music singer?


An empty Jack Daniels bottle.


A guy goes to the doctor and says, " Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm!"

The doctor asks, "What are taking for it?"

The guy says, "Pepper."


The Fish & Game Warden pulls up to a lake as a fisherman is taking a cooler full of fish out of his boat. Impressed, he asks, "What're you using?"


Fisherman shrugs and says, "Nothing special."


Next morning, the Warden decides to get to the lake earlier to watch. Just short of the lake he hears an explosion. As he arrives, the same fisherman is just rowing to shore with another cooler full of fish. Convinced the fisherman is up to no good, the Warden asks if they might go fishing together some time.


"Sure," says the fisherman. "Tomorrow at 5:00 a.m."


Next morning, the fisherman and Warden row out to the middle of the lake. The fisherman takes a stick of dynamite out of his pack, lights it, and throws it in the water. BOOM!! Dozens of fish float up and he starts collecting them.


Warden says, "I knew it! That's illegal, buddy! You're going to jail."


Fisherman lights another stick, hands it to the warden and says, "Are you gonna talk, or are you gonna fish?"


A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?"

The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"

So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"

The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.

The man said," Yes officer here it right here."

It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box."

He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."


Q. What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?


A. He gets taller.


A blonde is shopping and spots a silver thermos. She takes it up to the clerk and asks "What is this?"


The clerk replies, "It’s a thermos, keeps hot foods hot and cold foods cold".

So the blond decides she has to have it and buys it. The next day at work the boss comes by and sees the thermos on her desk. “So, I see something new has been added,” he says.

The blonde says, "It’s a thermos, keeps hot foods hot and cold foods cold."


"So what did you bring today?" asks the boss.


"Two popsicles and some coffee" replies the blonde.

7 comments:

  1. I love the moonshine one!

    I like Monday's at your place...

    xxx

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  2. Thanks. I needed a laugh this afternoon.

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  3. Love 'em Nick! Especially like the fisherman & the speeder...

    Bless:)!!!

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  4. I appreciate your jokes!

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  5. Thanks for the laughs, Nick. So nice that you're back with us again.

    ReplyDelete
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    Thanks

    ReplyDelete