Too Bad It's Monday Jokes

Below are the best jokes from my last week’s emails that I have been able to read. Being without a computer for almost a week and having received more than 800 emails, I am well behind in compiling jokes. I hope you find a laugh or two in what I have found!

Every once in a while in life...you run into a genius with a true talent:

Interesting Human Body Facts

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach..

One human hair can support 3kg. or 6.6lbs.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

Women blink twice as much as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate.

They do the same when you are looking at some one you hate!

It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.

Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

You looked at your thumb, didn't you?

Never Piss Off a Guy Who Owns a Backhoe:

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. Even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier And live longer!

A Pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel down his pants and the bartender says "hey buddy why do you have a steering wheel down your pants?" and the pirate says "Argh! It's driving me nuts!"

A guy walked into a bar with a duck on his shoulder and ordered a beer. The bartender, surprised at such an odd pair, said, "What are you doing here with that pig?"

The man was confused and said, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck."

The bartender said, "I know, I was talking to the duck."

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

KATZ