AMAZON

Monday, June 16, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes

Please Note: I have nothing new to report on 4-month-old Gregory or on the condition of my spider bites (the Brown Recluse Spider is the suspected culprit).

UPDATE (3:30 p.m.): Gregory is home from the hospital. The dosage of his primary sickle cell anemia medication has been increased and he is taking oral penicillin.





In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.



The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.

Those who don't know are also in two groups.

One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become CEOs!



In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.

2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.

3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.

4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).

5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.

6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food

7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.

8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear

9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea

10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.

11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;

12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."



KATZ







29 comments:

  1. Hi Nick,

    Completely off tangent. I have a small request.

    A movement was launched recently by a small group of people. It involves a simple spiritual practice called light channeling where, an individual draws light and spreads it around him to the entire world. Nothing much there.

    What's important is the necessity for a large number of people to get involved in this practice. When that happens, I'm sure, we'll be hastening the arrival of a new world order where love and happiness will be as common as pollution and corruption are today. Unless a sufficiently large mass of the population asks for something positive, that positive force cannot arrive on its own.

    I've written a post about this. I request you to visit the website, www.lightchannels. com, to know more about this. Pl write a small post about this. Let all your friends who visit your blog become aware of this movement. This movement is already gaining momentum through other web-sites/blogs and email. I'd appreciate if you wrote a word or two about it, so that people in your part of the world come to know about this, and participate, if they wish.
    Thanks a lot.

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  2. Gotta love a kitty picture, you just gotta. Funny, a kitty picture with a caption. If they don't at least make you chuckle then you are beyond cheering up that day :) p.s. a brown recluse spider bit my sister in law on the foot, she was a diabetic. She surgically lost her big toe and then all of them on that foot. Tehy were able to stop the destruction fy cutting off to the ball of her foot. She passed at 45 not from the spider but from heart complications.

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  3. I hope the bite is clearing up and healing. Cheers to you and Alex!!

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  4. I liked the 'couch on fire' kitty photo...

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  5. I love the stamp on the pregnant woman's belly. As I could sure read mine by now, I'm off to the doctor today for a 1 hour test. Thanks for making me laugh on my way out the door!

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  6. Thank you for again beginning my day with laughs.

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  7. I love Monday's at Nick's Bytes!

    Sorry about your bite. Get it checked out if it is any worse!
    And happy father's day, one day late. I thought of you yesterday (but was honoring my husband by staying off the computer).

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  8. LOL Thanks for brighten my day. Peace

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  9. hi - that cat sure does look like she's in heat!

    Have a happy Monday :)
    xx
    pinks

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  10. Funny! Funny! Funny! Lots of laffs! Thanks

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  11. I know quite a few people who've been using that English spelling improvement idea for quite some time already!

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  12. Thanks for the laugh! Hope you're feeling better.

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  13. Wonderful jokes, SSN. Thank you.

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  14. LOL I needed a laugh and by george I got one! :)

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  15. ..."couch on fire"...haha!!
    and, yay for gregory being home!! now you get that spider bite checked out! you should probably be on antibiotics too!!

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  16. Missed the jokes this morning but made it here this afternoon. I really needs the laughs!

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  17. The first KAT is hilarious. I can imagine a cat setting a couch on fire just to see what happens.

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  18. Lots of laughs, Nick. I pray the bite the spider gave you is healing OK.

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  19. It has been so long I just had to visit and ... it's Monday, yea. I just love "4 me?! U Shudn't hav!

    By the way good luck on making it to the Churchill Downs Museum. I have only been once but it was nice. Something else that could be nice is going to the track in the morning and watching the horse work out a little. You can get right down at the rail. I think they will let you park way up close to the gate to make it easier too. Of course I know you would not be able to spend to much time there but is sure is peaceful watching those wonderful animals work out.

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  20. Good to know little Gregory is out of hospital and is at home. Take care of that brown recluse spider bite, Rev Saint. Spider bites can be very malevolent.

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  21. You've been bitten by a spider??? Oooh, be careful, Nick and tell Alex to be careful, too.

    Hah, you've been haunting the I Can Has Cheezburger site, haven't you? Isn't it great? I check it out each day.

    Take care of yourself, Nick.

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  22. I really enjoy your Monday humour.

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  23. Hi-Ho-&-Off-To-Work-I-GoTuesday, June 17, 2008 6:44:00 AM

    I love this!!!!!!! I'll be back.

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  24. Oh, those cats! The couch on fire one!!!!!!

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  25. kat in timeout is real funny

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  26. I've read some of these before...hilarious....

    I love love love these cat funnies....especially the last one....

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