AMAZON

Monday, September 15, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor




In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.




There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.

One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."

After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased.

After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."



CAN YOU IMAGINE YOURSELF BEING THE NUN WHO SITS AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE? THEY ARE UNTOUCHED AND UNCORRECTED:

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5 SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIM SELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTER WARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA .. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL .

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BE FORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE..

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE A POSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.


Q & A

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.




A man owned a small farm in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.


"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.


"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of All the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room And board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."


"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.


"That would be me," replied the farmer.


You Can't Fix Stupid People


ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.


"We don't have a half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.


"You don't?" I replied.


"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.


"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"


"That's right."


So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets


TWO


I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.


After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"


I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."


She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.


THREE


A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."


FOUR


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.


She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"


"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.


"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.


As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." (She had no clue either!)


FIVE


Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"


"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.


With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.


SIX


I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."


I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then gone in the back to make a sandwich.


SEVEN


My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"


EIGHT


Police in Radnor , PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.


NINE


A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.


The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine.


The mother says, "Okay, but, I just gave him some ant killer....."


Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency room!"


Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid



The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies’ man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress.

"So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned.

"Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first 45 or so years of it, I wasn’t even around."


The couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."


A little secret sinning now and then,
Should not disturb the saintliest of men;
For when your life is spent, and sun has set,
It's easier to repent than to regret.

~ Yip Harburg, Rhymes for the Irreverent



KATZ
















12 comments:

  1. There are some days when I really need a little encouragement to smile - today was one of those. Thank you Nick! I can always count on you for Monday!

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  2. Happy Monday to you!

    Thanks for the jokes!

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  3. Some good ones, again. Always love the cats. :-)

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  4. The half-wit and stupid people ones were great but as usual I laughed most at the katz. :) ec

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  5. You were at the top of your game with this batch, Nick! :D

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  6. ROFL thanks for the laughs Nick, I particularly liked the one about the goose and the lawyer.

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  7. Happy Monday Nick! You don't know how much I enjoy these so! I love the motor home pulling into the dealership + 'where've you been all my life'---absolutely entertaining for me!

    :)

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  8. Just brilliant!
    The Katz had me hooting as usual!
    Brilliant Nick and many thanks.
    Hope you are ok. :o)

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  9. Loved those one from the kids about the Bible, Nick. Terrific jokes, as usual! Hope all is well in your world. How's that Alex rascal? Give him a hug from me, and take another for yourself.

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  10. The kids and the bible ones were the best, Nick ... but I totally love the Katz pics !!
    Hope you and Alex are doing OK, and his tumy is starting to get better.
    Take care, Meow

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  11. Thanks so much for the wonderful laugh. My stomach hurts I laughed so hard. I never knew Soloman was such a big fan of porcupines!! lolol

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