Monday, October 20, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? Plain or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

A little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

A Few Reason Why Some Pets Hate Halloween

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man replied - "Are you NUTS? That's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "You must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says - "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like shit!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

For Trade

For Trade: One 16 year old who knows everything, except:

How to cook.
How to clean.
How to manage money.
How to wipe up spilled water.
How to drive.
How to write a check.
How to answer a phone.
How to do math.
How to be polite.
How gas is paid for.
How cell phone bills are paid.
How to work the can opener.
How to sweep, dust or vacuum.
How to make a bed.
How to do laundry.
How dictatorships work.
How to stop talking.
How to get a job.
How important it is to finish high school.
How the world actually works.

She can text. And she can argue. What else does she possibly need to know in life??

I’d like to trade her for a puppy.

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.

Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.

"Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."

"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."

The dog says, "Meow!"

International Pun Contest

The ability to Make and Understand Puns Is the Highest Level of Language Development. Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess Looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per Passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the Craft. To no one's surprise, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your Kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my Electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the Lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the Manager came out of the office an d asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts boasting In an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain, They name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family in Egypt and is Named 'Ahmal.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a Picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, You've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a Small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers From the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was Unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went Back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist Hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade' Them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be Back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced An impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made Him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile Mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to Friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No Pun in ten did.



  1. I caught your jokes early, Nick! I'll reply them for myself in the morning. ;-)

    I love that first Katz photo!

  2. Most all the costumes were on dogs - cats wouldn't put up with it. :) The Katz were great as usual. ec

  3. Love those puns...that's one of my dreams, to make up a really good pun. Yeah, I wish...

  4. I realize I responded to the jokes after the post about your clawed hip. So to make my ass-backwards circle complete this early Monday morning, I'll respond to your hip post here:

    Hope you feel better, Nick.

  5. So what will Alex be for Halloween?

  6. Giggle... I only pasted your blog now, and you really cheered me up. Loved all the KATZ photos, hilarious! :D Thx :)

  7. Loved the Ghandi pun & the LOL cats today Nick - awesome!

  8. I shared the pics with my son too and he belly laughed his four year old heart out. His favorite was the little white kitten.

    Really good ones today Nick!!


  9. Carol: Wow! You did read the jokes early. It wasn’t even Monday yet by your time.

    Mr Eddie: I agree! Most cats would not put up with putting on those costumes.

    Puss-in-Boots: I usually find puns are more for groaning than laughing, but I did get unpunishingly good lausgh from some of those.

  10. San: Thank you. Being clawed by Alex is not too painful—after the initial twinge. I have claw scars over just about every part of my body. You know, Alex doesn’t claw me in anger; he claws me to get my attention. And Alex requires lots of attention!

    Enola: For Halloween Alex will be a white cat with black spots. If I ever tried to put him into one of those costumes he would use his claws to shred my hands and arms. Like his hero, the magical Mr. Mistofffelees, Alex is a cat who takes his dignity seriously!

    Kittee83: Welcome to Nick’s Bytes! I’m glad that you enjoyed Too Bad It’s Monday and hope you will return!

  11. Tug: Yep, although the Gandhi pun almost choked me: I was trying to groan and laugh at the same time.

    Snowelf: I’m so glad your little one got a belly laugh from the pics! Wanna know a secret? I adore that photo of the little white kitten.

    Natalia: Thanks! And I needed that hug from you!

  12. You notice that the dogs were all dressed up goofy because you KNOW there ain't no kitty puttin' up with dat!!!