Too Bad It's Monday Jokes and Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

 

A child was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list of junk E-mail on the computer screen.
    "This reminds me of the Lord's Prayer," the child said.
    "What do you mean?" the mother asked.
    "You know.  That part about 'deliver us from E-mail."

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

 1. This is this cat.

 2. This is is cat.

 3. This is how cat.

 4. This is to cat.

 5. This is keep cat.

 6. This is an cat.

 7. This is old cat.

 8. This is fart cat.

 9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

Now, go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and—I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on!

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.

Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

To get some humor out of life,

And to pass it on to other folks.

Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."

"Oh, Daddy," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving Mummy."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed the man. "How about if you take her with you!"

Mom goes to son's room to wake him up. "Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!" 

Son, in a surly mood says, "I don't want to go to school!" 

Mother insists, "You must, son, now come on!" 

Son replies, "I don't want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don't want to go!" 

Mother says, gently, "Son, you know you have to go to school." 

"Why do I have to go to school?" 

Mother replies, "Because you're the PRINCIPAL!"

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. “It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.”

The computer scientist says: "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

 

Recipe for Puppy Pie 

Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered, then add the following ingredients.

1 cup patience
1 cup understanding
1 pinch correction
1 cup hard work
2 cups praise and 1 1/2 cups fun

Blend well.

Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size.

Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy are one.

Enjoy! 

KATZ