Too Bad Its Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Wise Words

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.   - Abraham Lincoln

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. - Aesop

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers

The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over it. - Hunter S. Thompson

Definition of eternity: Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today.'

I saw an ad in our local newspaper for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, I called to learn more.  "Can you give me some more details?" I asked the clerk.
    
The clerk pulled up the file and told me, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Wichita, Kansas. That's about 620 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?" I asked.

"No, sir—that's where the end of the line is right now."

In a speech this morning, Barack Obama said, 'This isn't about big government or small government. It's about building a smarter government.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'I get it. I get it. I'm leaving.'" ~ Conan O'Brien 

"Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'" ~ David Letterman 

"Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.' Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats." ~ Conan O'Brien 

"Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer." ~ Craig Ferguson 

"Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week." ~ Jay Leno 

"A lot of people have forgotten about President Bush, but this transitional period is a busy time for President Bush as well. He's busy granting pardons. Today, he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric." ~ David Letterman 

"Everyone's talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer's lot." ~ Conan O'Brien 

"Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really! She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia… as soon as she finds out where Georgia is." ~ Craig Ferguson 

"It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'" ~ Conan O'Brien

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. 

Little Boy says "He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!" 

Officer says "Yes." 

Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”.

An elder in a Baptist Church takes the seat next to a little old Irishman on a flight from London to New York. After the plane is airborne, the cabin attendant comes by, taking drink orders. The Irishman tells her, "I believe I'll have a wee bit o' grain whiskey, maybe two fingers if that's not too much trouble." The drink is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the Baptist if he would like a drink. He looks at the Irishman as he replies in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen sex crazed whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman hears this and quickly hands his drink back to the attendant, saying "I'll be giving this back to you, my dear. I didn't know we had a choice."

KATZ

Mr. Bean Christmas