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Monday, February 09, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." 

The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. 

After a tense silence, the first one said, "Really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" 

The other one replied, "What are you complaining about; you have it, don't you?"

  



A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"


ADVICE BY WALTER

Dear Walter,  

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.  He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.  I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.  He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

 Sincerely,
Lucille



Dear Lucille:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Walter


A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.  He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained  a score of 150%.  Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I  don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I  wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."  This equaled an A.  

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

 


WORLD'S OLDEST STRIPPER

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your damned cat." 


I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).  We decided to grab a bite at the food court.   I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.  The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:  green, red, orange, and blue.  My dad kept staring at him.   The teenager would look and find him staring every time.  

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly  swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response,  knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat  an eye in his response: 

“Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son.”


KATZ











Totally Awesome, Dude

16 comments:

  1. Hey Nick! Enjoyed the TBIM jokes. Loved all but the old man in the mall talking to the guy with multi-coloured hair was the most enjoyable one, I guess. loved the pictures of the cat too. Cheers!

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  2. Had sex with a peacock...lol. That's a good one, Nick.

    Hope all is well in your world.

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  3. *laughing*

    I over relate to the last kitty picture.

    *laughing*

    Oh, that was good for my soul, ty!

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  4. The peacock one is hilarious!

    I logged on this morning and said "oh no it is Monday." Then I thought, "wait, it's Monday. I gotta check out Nick's site."

    Thanks for making my Mondays a bit better.

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  5. An especially good TBIM, Nick!

    Loved the peacock joke. And the kitties.

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  6. I totally needed this today, Nick!!!

    The "No I'll quit tomorrow" is totally me! LOL

    Happy Monday and thanks for making me laugh. :)

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  7. Lots of good ones. I loved the Harry Potter comic, though.

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  8. Thanks for the laughs, Nick. The kitten playing with the box--"my fort"--is just like my cat and my kids.

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  9. The gynecologist joke reminded me of another one.

    The gynecologist who became a painter and decorator. He was famous for being able to decorate the hall, stairs and landing through the letterbox!

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  10. lol... peacock... lol...

    i liked the katz too.. hehe

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  11. I liked the Dear Walter one best. (And I never get tired of katz.)

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  12. Happy Monday Nick, thanks for the laughs once again!

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  13. Thanks for giving me a laugh. I like the first joke best.

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  14. The LOL Katz were super good this week! I hope that all is well in your part of the world Nick. Be blessed.

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  15. Thanks for giving me a good start to the day even though it is now Wednesday morning.

    The muffler joke is my favorite but it was a close call.

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