AMAZON

Monday, February 23, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.





Q & A

Q. Why has our recent weather been so very, very cold?

A. It's because of all those folks who said it would be a cold day in hell before a black man was ever elected president.

Q. How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Four: One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.

Q. Why has astrology been invented?

A. So that economics could be an accurate science.




WISE QUOTES

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

To err is human—and to blame it on a computer is even more so. ~ Robert Orben

Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand. ~ Putt's Law

The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat. ~ Albert Einstein



Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"

The pro says, "Lack of flippin' talent."



Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today, I hate it when the children play inside."



A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.

"One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!"

"Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika."

Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."


When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."


I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"



To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years—canine or feline attendance isn't required.

Finally, t
he proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!


KATZ












WORLD'S WORST DRIVERS
video

16 comments:

  1. HAHAHA.... that guy who parked the van RULES!!lol.. i woulda burst out into hysterics..lol

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  2. Love the Katz as always, but that car video! Bwahahahaha! Thanks Nick.

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  3. The cartoon about why its important to be boss is sooooooo true! I'm near the bottom and always seem to have doodoo landing on me. The letter to the dogs and cats came close to having me choke on my coffee. Thank you for the laffs, Saintly Nick.

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  4. I'm in love with all of the cute kitties.

    I related too much to the video... ;-)

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  5. The video cracked me up - Happy Monday Nick!

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  6. I of course loved the cats and the Kleenex box stuffin'---but the video was hysterical!!!! How can you not park that in that huge space????

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  7. I laughed and laughed. The cat pointing out his cousin in Africa is fabulous.

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  8. That video was the best! Those drivers make me look like an expert ;)

    Also love the spotted kittens!

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  9. haha very good Nick! I can't get over the cousin Jeff in Africa... brilliant! :o)

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  10. Thanks for the grins and so many of them too! Your blog is thought provoking, funny and great! Hope you're adjusting to your new wheels!

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  11. I just love Your Monday blog even when I don't get to it until Tuesday. I always need a good laugh.

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  12. Hello, Nick, thanks for the chuckles! Don't know how you got exiled from my blogroll. That's been corrected. Cheers...

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  13. i saved the poopy bird picture to file, and laughed my ass off at the car video...but as usual, the kitty stuff got me all squeaky.

    i luvs da kittles.

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  14. Excellent humor, Rev. Saint. As usual.

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  15. I love He Taked my spot!

    And flowers wouldn't even begin to recompense if husband crashed my hard drive1

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  16. These were all great. Loved the letter to the cats and dogs at the end too - so true.

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