Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

Remember in thoughts and prayers Nobel Peace Laurette Burma's San Suu Kyi, who is about to go on trial. 

Below are some of the best jokes I have recently received in my emails:

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.' 

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. 

Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.' 

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal

And God was pleased. 

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail . 

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. 

And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.' 

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

 

And Cat would not obey them. 

And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . . ..

And Dog was happy. . . . .

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when Tiffany, a blonde woman, got off work late one night. She managed to make her way to her car but wondered how she was going to make it home. Tiffany sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. 

She finally remembered her daddy's advice: If she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and then follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better. 

Sure enough, in a little while a snowplow went by and Tiffany started to follow it. As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug because she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. 

After quite sometime had passed, Tiffany was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped, the driver got out, came back to her car, and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was alright, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine, and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. 

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted-- but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

• The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change.
  
• None. Social workers never change anything.
  
• None. They empower it to change itself!
  
• None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
  
• None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
  
• Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
  
• Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
  

Upgrades

I like some of the features that you are planning to include in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release: 

1. The "Don't remind me again" button

2. A Minimize button

3. The Shutdown feature

4. An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don't lose cache and other objects) 

Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system - most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. 

Interestingly enough, all versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. 

I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking with Dog 1.0b3. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.

Upgrade to Wife 1.0

Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs itself as Fiancee 1.0. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING. 

It is also spawning Child Processes that are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all. 

Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems. 

Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without its perils either, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0. 

Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes up to him and asks him what he wants. "A scotch on the rocks, please." He then lays a ten-dollar bill on the bar. 

The bartender takes the money and goes to fix the gorilla's drink. He thinks to himself, "Hey, this is a gorilla. He doesn't know about the prices of drinks," and takes fifteen cents back as change. He sets the drink and the money on the bar. 

Another bartender asks the first bartender about the gorilla and he says, "Yeah, he's nice. Go talk to him." 

The second bartender goes to the gorilla and strikes up a conversation. "Hey there. You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." 

The gorilla responded, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I surely ain't coming back." 

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the first guy says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), "I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics living there." 

The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there." The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there." 

One of the nuns turns around, looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any Catholics there." 

WORDS OF WISDOM

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' ~  Theodore Roosevelt

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. ~ Bill Cosby

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. ~ Will Rogers

I became a feminist as an alternative to becoming a masochist. ~ Sally Kempton

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it. ~ Pierre Gallois

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there.~  Scott Adams

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. ~ Thomas A. Edison

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak. ~ Jay Leno

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. ~ Doug Larson

We are the people our parents warned us about. ~  Jimmy Buffett

KATZ