Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes & Humor & KATZ

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved!

There were three pigs.

The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said “No. I’m the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home”

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children.... he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's/Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. Other women

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a pack of condoms.

The receptionist says, "Shall I put them on your bill?"

Daffy replies..."Don't be thupid, - I'd thufficate!!!"

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in Water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

WISE (?) WORDS

• Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible. ~ Margaret Mead
• I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her. ~ New York City detective
• The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders. ~ Foster's Law
• A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. ~ Bert Leston Taylor
• I don't believe in divorce. I believe in widowhood. ~ Carolyn Green
• He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. ~ Unknown
• LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. ~ Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary
• I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. ~ Fran Lebowitz
• Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. ~ Laurence J. Peter
• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
• There are more fools in the world than there are people. ~ Heinrich Heine
• The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law. ~ Alex Levin
• It ain't over 'til it's over. ~ Yogi Berra

KATZ