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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes on Wednesday



Do to my isolation from the world for more than a week, I was unable to post
Too Bad It's Monday Jokes on Monday. However, after spending yesterday toing through hundreds of emails, I am again able to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have been recently emailed. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.




God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working without rest and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so.


A lady was walking past
a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."


The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!




Day 1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25 years old."



You know you are addicted to your computer when...
  • You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  • You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
  • You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  • You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
  • You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  • You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
  • You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
  • You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
  • You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
  • You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)



Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy Man"

Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."




Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


R
emember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget!
WORDS OF WISDOM
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. ~ Miss Piggy
  • Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. ~ Henry David Thoreau
  • Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster. ~ Quentin Crisp
KATZ

10 comments:

  1. Love the Qantas one...typical Australian humour.

    Glad to see you back online again, Nick. Computers suck at times, don't they? I had to buy a new keyboard this morning as mine crapped out.

    Have a good week.

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  2. Ha ha,
    Now I can start my week. It didn't feel like Monday without you.
    So glad your back on line.
    Much love,
    Lia xx

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  3. After reading the giveaway signed one is addicted to the computer - I am!

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  4. The horse one... ewww!

    There should be a "Don't Read This First Thing in the Morning" warning on it!

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  5. It always concerns me when we see a post from Carol, but thankfully you are alright.

    Take care.
    The cats pictures were awesome.

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  6. the pilot/worker manifest feed was hillarious! and the miss piggy quote, very funny!

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  7. Very good, even if it is Thursday! (here ;o)
    Hope you are keeping well Nick and Alex of course! x

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  8. Clever parrot! I thought blondes were going to get a break for a minute there! Thanks for the laughs, Nick.

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  9. Thanks for all the laughs. The ONE that still has me smiling is the dog & cat at the motel...LOL

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