AMAZON

Monday, September 07, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor plus Have an Enjoyable Labor Day

[I know that I misspelled women, but I;m too tired to correct the graphic. OK?]


Joe Hill


I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night,

alive as you and me.
Says I "But Joe, you're ten years dead"
"I never died" said he,
"I never died" said he.

"The Copper Bosses killed you Joe,
they shot you Joe" says I.
"Takes more than guns to kill a man"
Says Joe "I didn't die"
Says Joe "I didn't die"

"In Salt Lake City, Joe," says I,
Him standing by my bed,
"They framed you on a murder charge,"
Says Joe, "But I ain't dead,"
Says Joe, "But I ain't dead."

And standing there as big as life
and smiling with his eyes.
Says Joe "What they can never kill
went on to organize,
went on to organize"

From San Diego up to Maine,
in every mine and mill,
Where working men defend their rights,
it's there you'll find Joe Hill,
it's there you'll find Joe Hill!

I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night,
alive as you and me.
Says I "But Joe, you're ten years dead"
"I never died" said he,
"I never died" said he.


Happy Labor Day!


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.




A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


Sam and Pete were both clams who died. Pete went to Heaven and Sam went to hell. Pete asked St. Peter if he could go to hell to try and convince Sam that Heaven was better. He went. Sam had a wild night club and disco in hell and would not leave ...no matter how hard Pete tried to convince him. When Pete got back to Heaven, St. Peter asked him, “Where is your harp?” Pete said, “I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco."

(PLEASE NOTE: I have a clergy friend who is now into these punishing jokes; I have spared you from having to endure most of them. ~ Sometimes Saintly Nick)




An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee.... As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.


Why Women Live Longer than Men:

















WEIRD THOUGHTS (like we all have)
  • I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
  • I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
  • Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
  • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
  • I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
  • Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
  • How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  • There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror that gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.





Two men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street. One asks the other how things have been.

"Wonderful, for a while," the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."

"What a shame," the friend says. "What on Earth happened?"

Says the other man: "My wife found out."



Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 60 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"

"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.
"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.
"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"

To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!"






The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry Yellow................Lemon Green..................Lime Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!'

The teacher had to leave the room!



KATZ
















14 comments:

  1. Oh Nick, I just love monday mornings with you now.
    My fav's this week are the photo's of why women live longer than men, they really are just boys being boys and you know from my blog how much I love that.

    I do so hope you are having a great Labor day weekend.
    Thanks for the reminder of Jim Hill, I'd sort of forgotten him,shame on me.
    much love,see you on FarmTown,
    Lia xx

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  2. Many smiles here, Nick! Love the Joe Hill song--thanks for putting that into my noggin for Labor Day. Love to you.

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  3. Good morning, Lia! You are most welcome! And you are so right about boys being boys! A couple of those photos remind me of my years in a college fraternity surrounded by real idiots. (OK, I was one of 'em).

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  4. Good morning, Border Explorer! Since I did more than just listen to the song Joe Hill and read some biographical information, I have realized that he was a true hero and martyr to the American class system. I now include something about him in each Labor Day post and have two CDs of songs that Joe Hill wrote. I am glad that you enjoyed the video and song.

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  5. Good morning, Thomas! Thank you. The LOL Kats are always special, aren't they.

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  6. hehehe, nice collection tis week Nick :) Papst beer.. haha.. had a chuckle at that ;) And the photos of why women live longer had me looking on aghast at the stupidity, while mark was saying "hey, i did something like that once".. lol.. so i can totally see it ;)

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  7. A good bunch for chuckles! As usual, I swiped a few! tsk tsk.

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  8. Thanks for the jokes, Nick. Happy Labor Day to you.

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  9. Loved the crazy photos Nick.

    Happy Labour Day to you.

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  10. I've always wondered why women live longer than men...now I know. And yes, I agree, there should be a sarcasm font...

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  11. Finally got here for my weekly dose of TBIM. Thank you, Saintly Nick! Now I can laugh thru the rest of the week.

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  12. Thank you for introducing me to the life and music about Joe Hill.

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  13. Thank you ;-) look at that emo boy style over this blog:
    http://www.emo--boys.info

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