Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor & KATZ)

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.


Top Ten Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat


10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.


A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'



A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


Dr. Phil proclaimed, ‘The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished.' So, I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before 6am I finished off a bottle of Wine, a bottle of Bailey's, my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.




HEADLINES FROM 2040


-- Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

-- Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.


-- Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

-- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2044.

-- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $7.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

-- 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

-- Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

-- Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

-- Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

-- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2041.

-- Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

-- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%


80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"




Motherly Lessons, Part I

• My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
• My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
• My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
• My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
• My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
• My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
• My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
• My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"
• My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
• My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
• My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
• My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."
• And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
• My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
• My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
• My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.

Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? 'Was it good for you?' 'I don't remember'. 'It was three minutes ago!', 'Who are you?!?'.

Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex life.

Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it?

Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing. I actually had to
participate

Jeff Dunham: Sometimes [my wife] calls me the 'the Hurricane'.

Walter: The what??

Jeff Dunham: The Hurricane.

Walter: Oh yeah, I get it. Exciting at first, then it ends in disaster. You know, maybe she should call you FEMA. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.

Walter: I could get a real job.

Jeff Dunham: What would you do?

Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.

Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?

Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day'.

KATZ

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