Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor)

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.



Every Las Vegas casino has specially designed chips made just for them. These are often very artistic and made in a way to not be counterfeited. The chips are designed and made, interestingly enough, by a Nevada monastery where the monks produce the chips. The chips are designed by Brother Patrick O'Leary, who serves as the chip monk.


A fish swam into a wall. "Dam!"


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


One pickle looked at another pickle in seeming distress and asked, 'So what's the big dill?' An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."


Q: How can you tell that a blonde's been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There's M&M shells all over the floor.

Random Thoughts of the Day:

? I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
? Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
? I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
? The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
? Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no Internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
? There is a great need for sarcasm font.
? Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
? How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
? I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
? A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
? Was learning cursive really necessary?
? Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
? I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
? Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
? My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
? Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
? How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
? I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
? MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
? Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
? I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
? Bad decisions make good stories
? Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
? Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
? Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....
? You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
? Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
? I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
? While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
? I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
? I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
? Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
? It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
? I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
? Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it. ? Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
? It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
? The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard just before dinner...

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

“Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”



A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."


KATZ

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