Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.



My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


HANDYMAN WHATEVERS





















Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."




I rode home with a blond female coworker about five years ago. I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted "those people."

"People *who*?" I asked?

She said, "The ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not, he keeps your card.

"If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout. If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount. He *then* calls all of the other branches and ATMs, tells them how much you've withdrawn, so they can update *their* books.

"Wonder where they find all those little people at??"

This person with her ATM theory might have been misinformed...




WISE (?) WORDS

• Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. ~ Aldous Huxley
• The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. ~ Woody Allen
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~ Noel Coward
• Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. ~ Jerry Seinfeld
• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
• Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is. ~ William James
• People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use. ~ Soren Kierkegaard
• You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. ~ Al Capone
• I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~ W. C. Fields

KATZ