Too Bad It's Monday Jokes, Humor, & KATZ

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CHANUKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS

10.  There’s no “Donny and Marie Chanukah Special.”
9.  Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
8.  No need to clean the chimney.
7.  There’s no latke-nog.
6.  Burl Ives doesn’t sing Chanukah songs.
5.  You won’t be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
4.  You won’t see, “You’re a Putz, Charlie Brown.”
3.  No barking dog version of “I had a Little Driedl.”
2.  No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
and the Number 1 reason why Chanukah is better than Christmas…
1.  Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the Washington Garden Club and kept referring to 'good manure' that must be used on flowers. Some society ladies complained (later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, "Bess, can't you get the President to say fertilizer instead of manure?"

The First Lady replied, "Heavens, it took me 25 years to get him to say 'manure' rather than ‘shit.’"



Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

I know. I know. I know that people say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little bigger!

Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say "Ho! Ho! Ho!

Father to three-year old: "No, a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna."

Every year, Christmas becomes less Christ’s birthday and more a Clearance Sale.

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and, thanks to credit cards, it's on my VISA statement twelve months a year also.

Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive: this year they have a Neurotic Doll;. it's wound up already.

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when to stop unwrapping.

When I was young we were poor. We didn't have a Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump.

When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.

Christmas is a time when people get emotional over family ties, particularly if they have to wear them.

I remember my dad was shopping in a toy store. He said, "That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it." The Clerk said, "Great, I'm sure your son will love it." Dad said, "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."

Ten signs you're not getting a Christmas bonus:

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"

9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial

8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"

6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"

5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants

4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies

3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw

2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times

1. You're the starting quarterback for the St. Louis Rams.

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. . . Please read the following carefully:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Canada and the northern boarder states.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.
5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and It’s a “Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox”, Cledus T. Judd “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack”, and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It.

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

KATZ

The streets are very dirty, my shoes are very thin.
I have a little pocket to put a penny in.
If you haven’t got a penny, a ha’ penny will do.
If you haven’t got a ha’ penny then God bless you.

Soal, a soal, a soal cake, please good missus a soul cake.
An apple, a pear, a plum, a cherry,
Any good thing to make us all merry,
One for peter, two for paul, three for him who made us all.

Now to the lord sing praises all you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace..
This holy tide of christmas of beauty and of grace,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.