AMAZON

Monday, December 07, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.



A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"



A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"








In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.

When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

(You saw that coming, didn’t you)




Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.


"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."






I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?

You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again...? I'm cured?"


"I'd like the number for Christine Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Christine Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment,

"Well, uh, most people call me Snake."





Ponderings

  • Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
  • I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  • When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
  • When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  • When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  • Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 


KATZ


























12 comments:

  1. That katz and the cartoons were especially good today. My favorite joke was the skydiving blonde.

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  2. I never thought about it, but now I wonder why there is not a mouse-flavored cat food.

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  3. Those Katz just keep getting cuter and cuter!

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  4. I love the "street name" joke AND YOUR SANTA PICTURE!!!!

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  5. Lots of Laffs! Thanks.

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  6. LOL lvoed the one about the pig's toes!

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  7. Thanks for so many grins this morning Nick (and Alex)
    Peace Be With You
    oxo

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  8. I finally got here with time to read all of the jokes. Now I can go on with the week with a smile on my face, Thank you, Saintly Nick.

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