AMAZON

Monday, January 18, 2010

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes + MLK Remembrance

When I was five years old, my mom always taught me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life. ~ Elizabeth








 Happy birthday, Dr. King.
 

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.


Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.


A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."





Humor in Music

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.




A little known fact...







The testicular guard "cup" was first used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also worth  protecting.


MOST COMMON LAST WORDS:

I'll get a world record for this.

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

Let it down slowly.

Rat poison only kills rats.

Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

Nice doggie.

I've done this before.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

Don't be so superstitious.

Hey! Watch this!




KATZ

























20 comments:

  1. Great posting,but that is because you featured a great man.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Famous last words "That's odd" BWAHAHAHAHA! My favorite!

    I am going to read the Humor in Music jokes to my daughter tomorrow, er, later on today. She will appreciate them!

    Have a wonderful week Nick.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for the jokes and for the words about Dr. King.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is excellent, Nick. My heart remembers Dr. King, I've laughed at the jokes, I love your new header, and I am going to "click for Nick" before I go.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Beautiful new header!

    I especially like your first quote about what Elizabeth wanted to be when she grew up.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  6. Good selections today! I'm partial to the quote from Elizabeth and the "A Dreem, I has one." How perfect are those kitties for today?

    I hope you are feeling better today, Nick. I worry when you're not up to par for an extended time. It is too bad you don't live next door. :')

    ReplyDelete
  7. i love the 'guard' joke - that really cracked me up and the quotes were particularly moving

    ReplyDelete
  8. Nick, I also did an "uh - extremely long" post about Dr. King's letter from the Birmingham jail yesterday. However, I've basically changed the focus of Freeze Dried Gray Matter to environmental causes.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Took a while, but I finally got here to read the funnies. The "Last Words" segment is really funny. Thank you, Saintly Nick.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jennifer: [:-) I can picture many things that could happen after someone mutters "That odd." I'm glad that your daughter (and you) enjoy the music jokes, When I received them, I was really pushed to remember my musical learnings.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Carol G: Thank you.

    Isn't the Elizabeth quote wonderful? A friend posted it on Facebook & I just had to publish it as soon as possible.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lynilu G: Thank you. I generally post the KATZ in the order that I receive them; I didn't notice the significance of the A Dreem, I has one until I'd already posted this. Had I recognized it, I would have possibly begin the jokes section with those LOL Cats.

    Thank you for your concern. My health seems to be going up and down as if I'm on a roller-coaster these days. I am beginning today with it up and I hope it remains there.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ann: Thank you. I think that joke is insightful...into the way most men think.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Robert R: Environmental causes are so very important. If I were to narrow the focus of Nick's Bytes, I believe that the environment might be central. However, as the description of Nick's Bytes says:I never know what is coming next !

    ReplyDelete
  15. China Girl: I'm glad you were able to read them. Of course, as far as I know, these jokes will be on this blog forever. I have recently been reading some of my past posts and am laughing at jokes I posted years ago and had since forgotten.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.... In addressing these comments I seem to have added a "G" to several names that I shouldn't have. Sorry 'bout that.

    ReplyDelete