Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Lawyer Q & A

Q,  What do you call Satan and a lawyer?
A.  Twins!

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A. A hooker will stop screwing you once you're dead.

Q: Why did the lawyer go to Heaven?
A: Hell was full.

Q. A snake and a lawyer both got hit by a car. What's the difference between em?
A. The snake had skid marks in front of him.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Five...the rest are all true.

 

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old  is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited  about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never  thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's  the key..

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.. You jump to the  next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey,  you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become  21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you  sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun  now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING  40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know  it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.  
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50  and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a  day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you  HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.  Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a  little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Answers from British Quiz Shows

National Lottery Jet Set

Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?

Contestant: William Shakespeare.

Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er... Mexico?

Family Fortunes

-- Something a blind man might use? A Sword
-- A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
-- Name the Capital of France? F
-- Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
-- Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
-- Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
-- A famous Scotsman? Jock
-- Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.
-- Something that floats in a bath? Water
-- An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
-- Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair
-- A famous Royal? Mail
-- Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings
-- A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
-- Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
-- Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate
-- A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on
-- Something associated with pigs? The Police
-- A sign of the Zodiac? April
-- Something people might be allergic to? Skiing
-- Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep
-- Something you put on walls? A roof
-- Something Slippery? A conman
-- A kind of ache? A fillet of fish
-- A Jacket Potato topping? Jam
-- A food that can be brown or white? A potato
-- Something sold by gypsies? Bananas
-- Something Red? My sweater

KATZ

BYE-BYE