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Monday, April 12, 2010

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor:


A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

"That's Strange!"




A Little Mixed Up

Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not among the dead.
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And more mixed up in the head.

For sometimes I can't remember,
When I stand at foot of stairs,
If I must go up for something,
Or if I've just come down from there.

And before the fridge so often
My poor mind is filled with doubt
Have I just put food away?...or
Have I come to take some out?

And there's times when it is dark out,
With my night cap on my head
I don't know if I'm retiring
Or just getting out of bed.

So...if it's my turn to write you
There's no need of getting sore,
I may think that I have written
And don't want to be a bore!!

So, remember..I do love you
And I wish that you were here,
But now it's nearly mail time,
So I must say good-bye my dear.

There I stood beside the mail box
With a face so very red
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I had opened it instead!!

My bifocals fit - my dentures are fine
My hearing aid works...but ..I do miss my mind!!!

~ Author Unknown
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."




If Men Got Pregnant...

  • Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.
  • There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
  • Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
  • Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
  • All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness.
  • Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.
  • Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment.
  • They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.
  • Fathers would demand that their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm.
  • Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags.
  • They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."
  • Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
  • They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
  • Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.



THOUGHTS AND QUESTIONS

-- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

-- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

-- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

-- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

-- They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

-- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

-- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

-- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

-- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

-- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

-- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

-- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

-- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

-- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

-- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

-- How can there be self-help "groups"?

-- Is there another word for synonym?

-- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

-- The speed of time is one-second per second.

-- Is it possible to be totally partial?

-- What's another word for thesaurus?

-- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

-- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

-- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?



A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.

''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''

''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.


On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

Me: "No, it's to go."

At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No really ... tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some ... (pause) funny money."

Guard: "No kidding! What?"

Manager: "Get this ... a two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"

Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Guard: "Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and ...

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say, "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah ... ?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too!


KATZ

12 comments:

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    ReplyDelete
  2. Thia collection will keep me laughing for quite a whilw! Thank you, Saintly Nick

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  3. 'If men got pregnant' had me chuckling. :)

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  4. HA! I have to pass on that male brain pic..lol

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  5. Mike: Thank you. I would love to be interviewed. However, when I click your link I'm told that the interview form will come later. OK, just let me know when.

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  6. China Girl : Thank you. I noticed at a couple of seem to go on and on for ever!

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  7. Akelamalu: I, too, got a chuckle or two out of the pregnant men. I also realize that, beyond the humor, there is a real commentary on our continued sexism.

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  8. Xmichra: I think that brain underestimates the amount of time men from the age of 12 upwards have sex on the brain. I once read that "normal" men think about sex about once every minute

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  9. I'm with Akelamalu re: the pregnant men. I'd love to see the day. At least I THINK that I would love to see it...

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  10. Carol: That might be interesting. in several ways.

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  11. Good ones, especially the Taco Bell thing!!

    And that last picture .... sniff .... took my breath away. :')

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  12. I have another one for Thoughts and Questions. Since when do buffalo have wings?

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