Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes & Humor & KATZ

I'm still involved in the "crisis" that has kept me busy for the past couple of weeks. Thankfully, my emails have contained some really great verbal and graphic laughs from my friend, Lyn. With a few others contributions from older emails, I've put together the following to give you a smile and a lift on the first day of the work week:


ANIMAL WORDS

A couple's  maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about  this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' 

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.  The first is that I iron better than you.'   


Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'   


Maria: 'Your husband says so.'   


Wife: 'Oh.'   


Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'   


Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'   


Maria: 'Your husband did.'  


Wife: 'Oh.'   


Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'   


Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'   


Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'   


Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

THE WISD0M OF AN OLD, RETIRED DUDE:

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
 
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. 

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it' 

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust." 

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers! 

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" 

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency?' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!" 

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures! 

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. 

THIS IS LIFE:

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. 

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." 

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. 

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"


Donald O'Connor: Smile, Darn You, Smile (1960 TV)

KATZ

That's all, Darlin'.