Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor)

In the Spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

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  Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman. 
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  A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. 
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  Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. 
  
  
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  Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. 
  
  
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  To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me. 
  
  
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  An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs 
  
  
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  When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience. 
  
  
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  The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows. 
  
  
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  What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"? 
  
  
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  If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way. 
  
  
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  18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree 
  
  
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  It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
  
  
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  Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you. 
  
  
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  Today is the last day of your life, so far. 
  
  
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  No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions. 
  
  
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  People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public. 
  
  
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  One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in. 
  
  
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  I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7. 
  
  
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  You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck. 
  
  
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  No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store. 
  
  
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  The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it. 
  
  
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  The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. 
  
  
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  If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around. 
  
  
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  Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. 
  
  
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  The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave. 
  
  

A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again. 

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long ? You're over two hours late." 

"Hey ! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."

THE BRILLIANCE OF WILL ROGERS

About Life

1.  Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2.  Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.  There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . Neither works.
4.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5.  Always drink upstream from the herd.
6.  If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8.  There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10.  If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11.  Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12.  After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

About Growing Old:

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

A civil servant is badly hurt, after falling down the stairs at city hall.

He is taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.

Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."

"Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked,

"Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."

Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.

"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"

"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."

"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."

"Yes dear," said the mother.

"So why are we in the Toronto Zoo?"

KATZ (without captions)

That's all, folks. Please go away and let me sleep.