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Monday, July 25, 2011

Too Bad It's Monday (T.B.I.M.)

In May of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke on T,B.I.M.brings you a smile, then my goal has been achieved.   



     A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again. 
     He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long ? You're over two hours late."
     "Hey ! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."





"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."


"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"


"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"




Volvo for Dummies


Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by dummies for dummies called the YCC, 'Your Concept Car.' Among its cutting-edge dummmifeatures: 



  • Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute. 
  • An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within 500 miles 
  • Permanent press fenders. 
  • A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions. 
  • Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than they actually are.




A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
     As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
   "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."



     




When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
"Why is that," the host asked?
Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ...everyone can."








Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiralabout whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild
Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!"

A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off."

"YES SIR!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

"YES SIR!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

"YES SIR!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "FUCK YOU SIR!"

The general turns to the others, smiles, and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"


KATZ





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1 comment:

  1. Really good laughs today. Thank you, sir.

    ReplyDelete