Monday, March 18, 2013

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes, Humor + KATZ

In the Spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) In the seven years since I have posted thousands of jokes. Most still come from folks who email me; however, I have read so many that I find I am receiving variations of jokes I have already shared. So, if your read a joke here at Nick’s Bytes and think that you have read it before, you probably have. 

About Chocolate

- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. 

- Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. 

- The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. 

- Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

- If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. 

- If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and he saw that it was good. Then he separated the light from the dark, and it was better.

The Schitt Family History is finally revealed. 

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says:"You don't know Jack Schitt!" 

Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently. 

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc. 
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. 

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. 

After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock. 

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. 

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. 

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt. 

So, now if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ.

You not only know Jack Schitt, but everyone on the Schitt list!

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Q: If a blonde and a brick were dropped off a building at the same time, which would land first?

A: The brick. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions

There once was a magic mirror which would kill your if you lied to it.

One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself "I think I'm the smartest woman ever!" She immediately dropped dead. 

The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself "I think I'm the prettiest woman alive!" She immediately dropped dead. 

Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself "I think," and dropped dead.

You know you're getting older when...

  • Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. 
  • You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. 
  • Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. 
  • Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. 
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. 
  • You look forward to a dull evening. 
  • Your knees buckle and your belt won't. 
  • Your back goes out more than you do. 
  • You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. 
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions. 

Three elderly women were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." 

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." 

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!


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