Too Bad It's Monday Jokes

Having recently completed the 1,000^th Blog Post celebration, the next in line for Nick’s Bytes is the 100,000^th Visitor. As of this writing, the visitor thingie (on my sidebar) reads 99,303. If visitors come by as usual, that means that visitor Number 100,000 will be by within the next week.

Please take a glance at the visitor thing and, if you turn out to be the 100,000^th visitor, please tell me about it in a comment to Nick’s Bytes or in an email. Thanks.

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

CLICK GRAPHIC TO ENLARGE

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the Hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "IS THERE A GOD?"

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer. "There is now", read the printout.

The Wisdom of the Fabulous Miss Piggy

If you're properly attired, you're hired. And if you're not, I don't care how “Qualified” you may be – it will be a case of “clothes, but no cigar.”

You might try a more stationary pet, like a clam or a potato.

Home décor is a matter of personal taste although ill-conceived suggestions from husbands may spoil the overall effect.

Plants are like lamps. You plug them in and they turn right on. When they stop working, just unplug them, throw them away and plug in another.

When there is something good on TV that everyone is going to watch, the other channels should be courteous and run something like “The History of Socks.”

Many people have been to schools where they were taught useful phrases, how much to charge and – most important – what to wear.

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

One day the president was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. President.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful president.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No, but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

OOPS!

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

American Football Wisdom

'At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any.' Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.

'Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas.' Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

'After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that.' Bobby Bowden / Florida State

'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas

'When you win, nothing hurts.' Joe Namath / Alabama

'Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.' Lou Holtz/ Arkansas

'If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, 'Roll, tide, roll!' Bear Bryant / Alabama

'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.' Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' Woody Hayes / Ohio State

'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.' Bob Devaney / Nebraska

'In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.' Wally Butts / Georgia

'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.' Paul Dietzel / LSU

'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.' Bear Bryant / Alabama

'No, but you can see it from here.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas...When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.

'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.' Bear Bryant / Alabama

'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring - give us the ball near the goal line.' Matty Bell / SMU

'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.' Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

'I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.' Alex Karras / Iowa

'My advice to defensive players:Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

'Always remember..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' Shug Jordan / Auburn

'They cut us up like a boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.' Darrell Royal / Texas

'Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

'They whipped us like a tied up goat.' Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' Bobby Bowden / Florida State

'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: 'All those who need showers, take them.' John McKay / USC

'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.' Murray Warmath / Minnesota

'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

'Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.' Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

'We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.' Darrell Royal / Texas

'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.' John McKay / USC

'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.' Darrell Royal / University of Texas

'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

'Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football' John Heisman

The Dumbest Blonde in the World


KATZ