T.B.I.M. Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. Investment Terminology for 2009

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $37.50 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.95.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke."

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in. (i.e. "The rent, sir? Ha. Ha. Ha. Well, I'm a little short this month.")

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.


FACEBOOK ADDICT:

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"


ALEX SAYS:


A pirate and his crew were busy plundering a ship. When he entered the captain's quarters, he saw the captain hunched over a table, obviously deep in thought. When the captain didn't move, the pirate came closer with cutlass raised, but stopped short when he noticed that the captain was involved in a game of chess ... with a parrot!

The pirate watched for a few seconds, and soon the captain made a move. "Good move! Good move!" the parrot cried, "Nice! Nice!"

Well, needless to say, the pirate was quite impressed. "Arrgh, matey! That be quite the talented parrot ye be playin' against thar," he said.

The captain looked up at the pirate, somewhat startled, as he had been so involved with the game that he had not noticed the tar standing there. "Ahh, he's not so smart," he replied, "I've beaten the blighter two out of three."

(Bah-dum-dum)

"So what would the bird do if ye made a blunder?" asked the pirate.

"Somersaults," was the quick reply.

"Somersaults?" the pirate said, "That be incredble! How many would it be doin' then?"

"That would depend on how hard I slap him."


The teacher was frustrated because she could not convince a little girl that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."


KATZ
With Thanks to fellow clergyperson D. F.: