AMAZON

Monday, May 04, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor


Below are some of the best jokes I have received in my emails over the past few weeks:


A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"

The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."

The first one: "That's OK! The main thing is that we talked about it."


FROM THE AMOS AND ANDY RADIO SHOW:

District Attorney:
Mr. Brown, would you tell the court how you became acquainted with George Stevens, a.k.a The Kingfish?

Andrew Hogg Brown:
Yes sir. I was at the race track and when I reached back for my wallet, I shook hands with Mr. Stevens.




A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, "Grandpa, please talk like a frog."

Grandpa replied, "What? I'm not going to talk like a frog!"

The little boy again asked, "Come on, Grandpa. Talk like a frog, please."

Grandpa again said, "No! Go bother your grandmother." The little boy finally gave up and left.

A little while later, the little boy's sister came in and said, "Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?"

Grandpa, of course, replied, "NO!"

The little girl then begged, "Please, Grandpa will you talk just like a frog?"

Grandpa was very disturbed by now and asked, "What is it with you and your brother? Why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?"

The little girl looked at her Grandpa and said, "Well, last night daddy told us that when you croak, we're going to go to Disney World."


A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He stood about 40 feet away, and in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears nothing.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"


I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
I
nternal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'

Civil 'Service' State,
City, County & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'


This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies and Congress people are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.


Janie had just become a widow and needed to put an obituary in the paper about her late husband, Bubba. She called the newspaper and asked, "How much does it cost to put an obituary in the paper?"

"The cost is $0.50 per word," said the newspaper editor.

Janie said, "Fine, please print: 'Bubba died'."

The startled newspaper editor explained that there was a seven word minimum charge. Janie thought for a moment, then said, "Okay, then, please print: 'Bubba died. 2003 pickup truck for sale'."


Friday, we had a tornado drill. Our department is situated underneath a parking garage (funny how corporations just love putting the nerds in a basement), and there's a PA announcement repeating itself ad nauseum: "This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows."

Somebody yelled out: "Quick! Get to a DOS prompt!"



A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"


THE WISDOM OF GREAT MINDS

*
There is always more misery among the lower classes than there is humanity in the higher. ~ Victor Hugo
*
Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. ~ Alexandre Dumas
*
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. ~ Aristotle
*
I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave. ~ E. M. Forster
*
Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect. ~ Hunter S. Thompson
*
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ~ Groucho Marx
*
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. ~ Sir Winston Churchill


KATZ

















18 comments:

  1. Excellent, Reverend Saint! I found Groucho's words to be quite educating, especially since they reflect my own philosophy about television.

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  2. Monday morning smiles again. Thanks Nick.

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  3. You always manage to find a few I haven't heard before!

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  4. Good morning, Nick, and thanks for the smile!

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  5. LOL @ "not if I have to explain it 5 x's"! That's hysterical. I can't believe all the jokes you receive though! Thank God - because my Mondays would be very grim my friend!

    Thank you for the laughs! :)

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  6. Happy Monday, Nick!

    Thanks for the jokes.

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  7. Funneh stuffs! I hopes my kittehs are not backseat drivers! BTW, THANK GOD IT'S MONDAY! Check out mah blogz, that is all.

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  8. Thank you for the laffs!

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  9. Ah, good Monday laughs, Nick. Love the Lolcats.

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  10. I'm catching up on my smiles, so I came here first. Thank you.

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  11. Thanks, Nick! It's almost Thursday, but they're still fresh! :D

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