AMAZON

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

PJMG (Praise Jesus Monday's Gone) Jokes & Humor


Because I lost yesterday's T.B.I.M. (Too Bad It's Monday) post of jokes and humor, a Facebook friend suggested that I put up a post entitled as above. So I have.



A new priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak.


After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."


So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.


He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.


2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.


7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.


8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.


9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.


10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."


11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".


12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".


13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy's.





Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I've a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.



"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."



O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."



"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."



O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, ‘tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"





A
blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.



The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateralagainst a $5000 loan.



An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18.41.



The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"



The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"




WISDOM(?)

Homer Simpson


Kurt Vonnegut


Timothy Leary



KATZ











REMEMBERING WOODSTOCK



7 comments:

  1. I did not expect to find jokes here this morning! Thank you! Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Cat looks better in a Fez (spelling?) than a Shriner does.

    Glad to find some funny today!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love Mittens doing the wave!

    I get lots of jokes: I must send you some.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'd love to have a poster of the menopause dwarves! I had to look up "taffy pulling" as it conjured up all sorts of visions: did you know that in British slang a "Taffy" is a Welshman [because of the River Taff in Wales]?!

    ReplyDelete