Too Bad It's Monday Humor + KATZ

It Was So Cold that…

·        We had to stop eating with metal cutlery.

·        Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

·        Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

·        Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

·        When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!

·        The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!

·        Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pajamas haven't thawed out yet!"

·        Richard Simmons started wearing pants!

·        A streakier froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.

• UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii! 
  
  

I was about to get engaged, and was so excited to show off my new bride to my Mom. “Ma,” I said, “I’m going to come see you with five girls and I want you to guess which one is my future wife.”

I come by my Mom’s house the next day towing five girls with me.

“It’s that one”, said my mother, without me even asking.  

”Wow”, I exclaimed, “how did you know it was her?”

“I just hated her the minute I saw her”, she replied.

A married couple where in the midst of a horrendous argument when they decided to take a drive to cool off. They drove several miles, not saying a word. As they passed by the city zoo, the husband couldn’t resist and sarcastically asked, “Are those animals any relatives of yours?”

"Yes,” his wife replied. “I married into the family!”

Sometimes we must stop and simply appreciate the beauty of Nature.

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that read:

Danger! Beware of dog!

posted on the door.

Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.

“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner explained, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

A British reporter was writing a story about the visiting soccer team. He noticed that one of the players looked quite old, so he went over to him and asked, “You know you might be the oldest man playing on a professional soccer team! How do you do it at your age?”

The man replied “I drink 5 beers a day, smoke 2 packs of reds a day, and eat tons of chips.”

“Wow! that is incredible! How old did you say you are?”

He looked at reporter and replied, “Twenty-two years old.”

This is an old joke we’ve posted before, but Alex and I love it so much we are sharing it again.

 A man hated his wife's cat so much that he decided to get rid of it by driving it twenty blocks from home and dumping it. 
       
However, as he got back home, he saw the cat wandering up the driveway. So, he again put the cat in the car and then drove the her forty blocks away and dumped her. 
       
But when he arrived back home, there was the cat waiting for him at the front door. In desperation, he drove the cat fifty miles out into the country and dumped her in the middle of a woods. 
       
Four hours later his wife got a phone call at home. "Darling," said her husband. "Is that cat there?" 
       
"Yes," said the wife. "Why?" 
       
"Just put her on the line will you? I need directions."

KATZ