Too Bad It's Monday Jokes and Humor in Green

In May of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 

v

A scout for Garryowen rugby club in Limerick is looking for new talent in the war-torn Bosnian Region in Yugoslavia. On watching a rugby match there one day he spots an amazing talent and resolves to take him to Ireland to play for Garryowen. The youngster, dying to get out of his horrible existence, agrees.

 Back in Ireland that year Garryowen and their arch rivals Shannon are neck and neck at the top of the league table, entering into the last day of the season.

To make matters more tense, they are playing each other in the last game. At 15 points each going into the last minute of the game the ball drops to Slavan, Garryowen's new Bosnian prodigy, who runs past 3 Shannon players to score the winning try. Soon after there are wild celebrations as Garryowen celebrate their win.

Slavan is hailed as a hero and invited by the manager to guzzle back champagne back in the dressing room with the rest of the team. But before doing this, Slavan insists that he be able to ring his mother at home to tell her the good news.

On the phone to his mother, he says "Guess what mum, you won't believe what happened here today, we won the game and I scored the winning try and I'm a hero....."

His mother interrupts ".....you selfish ba*tard", she says "you are always thinking of yourself. Do you have any idea what happened to us today. Your father has been killed, your sister was taken away from us and given a good seeing to, and our house has been burnt to the ground!".

"But Mum, you are not being fair. You're acting as if all this was my fault", says Slavan.

“You're damn right it is", she replies. "It was your fu*kin' idea for us to move to Limerick....!!!"

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".

The Judge instantly responded... "That must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT! ... He broke three of me fingers."

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.'

'I'm sorry sir, I...........'

'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.

Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'

Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.'

'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'

'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'

I Was Overwhelmed by Fear

The massacre in Tucson really affected me. I have had to reevaluate my response to the political right wing. I find that the words of pundits such a Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Sarah Palin frustrate and anger me. However, frustration and anger are not the emotions that drive me. That is fear.

I was overwhelmed by fear. The rational basis of my apprehension is history. I’ll not go into that other than saying the action of the contemporary U.S. right wing parallel the end of the Roman Republic as well as the rise of 20^th Century dictatorships. I may expand on this in a future blog post. This fear is intellectual and rationale.

A second form of fear I experienced that is evinced by the words of the right wing pundits is purely emotional. Actually, this fear is closely related to grief and even more closely related to survival.

The extremists of the right wing have been threatening to do away with Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid for decades. I survive because of Social Security and Medicare. Without them I would have no shelter, food, or health care. If the Republicans and Tea Party do take Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid away from the American people, many of us will die.

I said that this dear is purely emotional. I do not rationally believe that Congress will end these program, although there is the possibility that Congress can gut them. Whatever! When I have heard the vitriol of hate, prejudice, and oppression coming from the mouths of Glenn, Rush, and Sarah in regard to anything I believe is important, I want (and have) returned volley for volley (to use a Palin-type metaphor).

After reflecting upon the words that President Obama spoke in Tucson on Wednesday, I again remember that I cannot be driven by fear.

The loss of these wonderful people should make every one of us strive to be better in our private lives - to be better friends and neighbors, co-workers and parents. And if, as has been discussed in recent days, their deaths help usher in more civility in our public discourse, let's remember that it is not because a simple lack of civility caused this tragedy, but rather because only a more civil and honest public discourse can help us face up to our challenges as a nation, in a way that would make them proud. It should be because we want to live up to the example of public servants like John Roll and Gabby Giffords, who knew first and foremost that we are all Americans, and that we can question each other's ideas without questioning each other's love of country, and that our task, working together, is to constantly widen the circle of our concern so that we bequeath the American dream to future generations.
I believe we can be better. Those who died here, those who saved lives here - they help me believe. We may not be able to stop all evil in the world, but I know that how we treat one another is entirely up to us. I believe that for all our imperfections, we are full of decency and goodness, and that the forces that divide us are not as strong as those that unite us.
That's what I believe, in part because that's what a child like Christina Taylor Green believed. Imagine: here was a young girl who was just becoming aware of our democracy; just beginning to understand the obligations of citizenship; just starting to glimpse the fact that someday she too might play a part in shaping her nation's future. She had been elected to her student council; she saw public service as something exciting, something hopeful. She was off to meet her congresswoman, someone she was sure was good and important and might be a role model. She saw all this through the eyes of a child, undimmed by the cynicism or vitriol that we adults all too often just take for granted.
I want us to live up to her expectations. I want our democracy to be as good as she imagined it. All of us - we should do everything we can to make sure this country lives up to our children's expectations.
Christina was given to us on September 11th, 2001, one of 50 babies born that day to be pictured in a book called "Faces of Hope." On either side of her photo in that book were simple wishes for a child's life. "I hope you help those in need," read one. "I hope you know all of the words to the National Anthem and sing it with your hand over your heart. I hope you jump in rain puddles."
If there are rain puddles in heaven, Christina is jumping in them today. And here on Earth, we place our hands over our hearts, and commit ourselves as Americans to forging a country that is forever worthy of her gentle, happy spirit.
May God bless and keep those we've lost in restful and eternal peace. May He love and watch over the survivors. And may He bless the United States of America." (Complete text HERE)

 
I regret that I have responded to the right wing, volley for volley. That action is not the Way of peacemaking. Also, being driven by fear is the way wars begin. I regret that I have allowed myself to be snared in that web.

There is, for me, only one way of not being driven by fear! It is simple: I must remember than I am not alone.

 

O'Brien & Reich

Two of my favorite people are Secretary of Labor in the Clinton Administration, Robert Reich, and television personality, Conan O'Brien. While researching materials for a blog on Labor Day and the status of our economy, I came across this video which is much less serious that what I have been writing. Enjoy!

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.


"What are you doing?" she asked her husband as he stalked about the kitchen with a folded newspaper in his hand.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

After New Year‘s Eve party, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.

Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

3 men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them.

One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of women’s panties.

"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.

"These are Carol's."

A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.........You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you bring me bad luck!"


After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."

KATZ

That's all, folks!

Have a happy, blessed, & safe New Year!

Christmas Blessings

This is Alex and my 2009 Christmas card:

Domestic Violence and the Swedish Bride

The Domestic Violence Awareness Project (DVAP) supports the rights of all women and girls to live in peace and dignity. Violence and all other forms of oppression against all communities of women and their children must be eliminated. To change belief systems and practices that support violence against all women, the DVAP recognizes and promotes the participation of the entire community in building social intolerance towards domestic violence.

The purpose of the DVAP is to support and promote the national, tribal, state and local advocacy networks in their ongoing public education efforts through public awareness campaigns, strategies, materials, resources, capacity-building and technical assistance. These strategies include campaigns that address the victimization of women throughout their lifespan. The voices, leadership and expertise of women who have been battered are acknowledged as critical and necessary components of these campaigns. ~ Statement of Purpose, Domestic Violence Awareness Project, 2000

This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. My own awareness of domestic violence sort of crept upon me slowly.

For example, when I was an army officer stationed in (then West) Germany and Adjutant of the Rogue Battalion, one of my duties was assisting the dependents of the soldiers assigned to the battalion. One day a woman—a Swedish national who recently married a sergeant—came into my office to complain that, although she had been married for close to two months, she still did not have a U.S. Army dependent’s ID card. She wanted to shop in the PX and could not without the card.

She said that her husband told her that the army was delaying the issue of the card because she was from Sweden. That sounded absurd to me and I told her I would do what I could to speed up the process. I assigned my sergeant the job of getting the needed information from her and submitting through my office an inquiry into the delay.

Before we received the response to our inquiry, the local German police contacted us and told us that the woman was in the local hospital and asked to see my sergeant. He and I went to the hospital and found that the woman had been badly beaten: both of her eyes were blackened; her face was swollen; her wrist had been broken, etc. She told us that when she had told her husband that she had been to our office, he had beaten her, but she had not told the German police because she did not “want to get him in trouble with the Polizei.”

I was alarmed by her appearance and even more shocked that she had not identified her assailant to the police. Of course, way back then I was not familiar with the dynamics of domestic violence.

Jumping forward to the conclusion of this horrible situation, after I informed her husband’s company commander of the incident, Courts Martial charges for assault were instituted against her husband, to which, after we received the results of our inquiry into the status of her military ID card, charges of polygamy were added. Her husband had never submitted his new wife’s application for an ID card because he already had a wife with an ID card back in the United States. My memories of the results of the Courts Martial are that the sergeant was convicted, sentenced to prison, and issued a dishonorable discharge.

That was my introduction to the horrors of domestic violence. A few years later, after I left the army active duty and became a social worker, I learned that the situation I had encountered in Germany was mild compared to other incidents of domestic violence with which I dealt. I shall share some of them next week.