Monday, March 17, 2014

Too Bad It's Monday on Saint Paddy's Day

Two Irishmen move from Dublin to London to make their fortune. When they get there they decide to split living costs. Paddy pays the rent and Seamus buys the food.

The first day in their new flat Paddy comes home after work and says to Seamus " I paid the landlord. Did ye get the food Seamus. Seamus replies "Sure I did Paddy. Its in the fridge." 

“Dats great " says Paddy, "Oim starvin" 

So he opens the fridge and there's about 50 bottles of Guiness in there. Then he sees at the bottom corner just half a loaf of stale bread.

"Are we having some kind of house warmin tonight" says Paddy. 

"No, sure we're not" says Seamus.

"Then what's all the bread for?"

Do you think it’s OK to drink green beer while you’re pregnant if you’re planning on giving up the baby for adoption? ~ Chelsea Handler

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks, "Have you worked with chemicals before?" 

"Yes!" Paddy replies. 

The manager asks, "Can you tell me what nitrate is?" 

Paddy replies,"I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.

An Irishman is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!' 

Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk that he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.

The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times.

The drunk fellow in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'...There's no paper in here either!"

Paddy the Irishman, an Englishman, a Hot Young Babe, and an Elderly Old Dear are riding together in a train compartment when the train goes through a tunnel.........SMACK!!!!!!!! 

Train emerges from tunnel and finds the Englishman has been decked and is on the floor holding his smacked puss. 

Hot Babe thinks, "He just felt up the old dear thinking it was me, so  she decked him," 

Old Dear thinks, "He just felt up that young girl and she decked him." 

Paddy the Irishman thinks, "I can't wait 'til the next tunnel so i can smack that English bollix again."

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. 

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."

"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun.

They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."

"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."

Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."

Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."

"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own damned blankets."

Lassi says "Paddy, we've been married along time. You're good lookin and I think you've slept with alotta women. I won't be mad, but I would like to know how many if any." 

Paddy says," My lovely Lass, you should know I never slept with anyone but you, my Darlin. Witt all the rest I was very much  awake."

A man goes to the doctor for his wife's test results. 

Mr O'Shay: "I'm here for Mrs O'Shay's test results."

Receptionist: "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr O'Shay, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs O'Shay and we don't know which belongs to your wife. And I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!" 

Mr O'Shay: "That's awful! What should I do?"

Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."

Mr. and Mrs. Clancy, a young couple, were in the honeymoon suite on on their wedding night.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. 

"I can't wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this marriage!" 

With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." 

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"

She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave. 

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" 

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Young Mick went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Young Mick, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. 

He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know, sur," he replied, "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."

Jimmy-Joe acquired an injury whilst tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

CNN adds yet another aviation expert to its coverage
of the missing Malaysian plane


I Had Elebenty Many Beers I Tink!


More Nick's Bytes Irish posts:

A Blessed Saint Paddy's Day to You

Irish Humor



  1. I had a friend from Ireland, and I once asked her how they celebrate St. Patrick's Day over there.

    It turns out they just go to Mass. (I was a little disappointed.)

    1. Perhaps your friend is overly religious, Thomas?