It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'"
Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
You Might Be a Yankee If... (Part I)
1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5) You don't know what a moon pie is.
6) You've never had grain alcohol.
7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10) You have no idea what a polecat is.
11) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13) You don't have bangs.
14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women
You Might Be a Yankee If... (Part II)
18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an off-ramp on the highway.
23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
25) You call binoculars opera glasses.
26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
27) You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
28) You don't know what appliqued is.
29) Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
32) You've never been to a craft show.
33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34) You can't do your laundry without quarters.
35) None of your fur coats are homemade.
Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part I
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.
5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address.
7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.
9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
11. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
12. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
13. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
14. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
Jeff Foxworthy: Redneck Fashion Tips, Part 1
Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century, Part II
15. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College roommate used to play.
16. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
17. You checked your blow-dryer to see if it was Y2K compliant.
18. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
19. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
20. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
21. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
22. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
23. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
24. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
25. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
26. You're reading this.
27. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
Jeff Foxworthy: Redneck Fashion Tips, Part 2
Flying Oneliners
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." -- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." -- From an old carrier sailor
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
KATZ
Paul Robeson: I Dreamed I Saw Joe Hill Last Night
I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night,
alive as you and me.
Says I "But Joe, you're ten years dead"
"I never died" said he,
"I never died" said he.
"The Copper Bosses killed you Joe,
they shot you Joe" says I.
"Takes more than guns to kill a man"
Says Joe "I didn't die"
Says Joe "I didn't die"
"In Salt Lake City, Joe," says I,
Him standing by my bed,
"They framed you on a murder charge,"
Says Joe, "But I ain't dead,"
Says Joe, "But I ain't dead."
And standing there as big as life
and smiling with his eyes.
Says Joe "What they can never kill
went on to organize,
went on to organize"
From San Diego up to Maine,
in every mine and mill,
Where working men defend their rights,
it's there you'll find Joe Hill,
it's there you'll find Joe Hill!
I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night,
alive as you and me.
Says I "But Joe, you're ten years dead"
"I never died" said he,
"I never died" said he.
.
)
