Once upon a time there was a young knight...

Once upon a time there was a young knight who had just graduated from dragon slaying school. He donned his new armor, picked up his shield, sword, and lance and mounted his beautiful warhorse. He then went looking for damsels to rescue and dragons to slay. 

He came over a hill and below him in the valley he saw a beautiful, young (almost naked) damsel, chained to a rock, with a fire-breathing dragon on the ground before her.

The knight was filled with compassion for this damsel in distress, pull down the visor on his helmet, and charged the dragon. Now, this dragon just happened to have been drinking a bit too much mead... 

so before long the knight was dismounted from his warhorse, and having laid down his shield, stood with one foot on the dragon’s neck and his huge sword raised above his head ready to decapitate the beast. 

Then, before he could strike, something hit the knight on the back of the head and he toppled to the ground. And there, standing over the knight holding his shield (with which she had just brained him) was the unchained damsel in distress. 

She put down shield and said to the dragon, “Look, Boopsie, if you can’t do better than this I’ll just have to get myself another dragon."

The lesson? As the drama triangle of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer plays itself to the end, each player ends up in a different role, as with the story above. In the beginning:

Dragon = Persecutor

Damsel = Victim

Knight = Rescuer

By the middle of the story (game) the roles have changed, so that:

Knight = Persecutor

Dragon = Victim

Damsel = Rescuer

By the end, the Knight has become the victim of the damsel. 

The moral: Rescuers usually end the game as Victims.

However, rescuers-become-victims can themselves be rescued, sometimes in unique ways (its in their karma):

Unfortunately this story has played out in my life many times. One could suggest—and they have—that that I refrain from taking on dragons. However, as the Apostle Paul wrote, “I cannot not preach the gospel.” Myself, I just cannot turn my back on people I perceive as being persecuted, even though at times it has cost me dearly, financially and emotionally. 

For more about the psychology/theology of the above, may I suggest:

Please Note: I have been forced to add Comment Moderation because of the high number of spam comments Nick's Bytes has been receiving.
I truly appreciate your comments; please leave me a message.

The "J" That Is Me

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on having things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives.

~ Portrait of an INFJ

On the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator I’m an INFJ. The “J” stands for “judging” and in the simplest terms means that I am not comfortable with unresolved situations: I want to make a decision and get on with it. I have a need for planning, organization, and ultimately, closure. Last Thursday when the young man who purchased my foreclosed home informed me that he had done so, I felt relief! Now that I know where I stand, I can begin the next step: locating a place to rent and moving.

Over the weekend, utilizing the Internet and local rental listing listings, I identified eleven rental properties that meet the criteria that I have set for a new home:

• Cat (Alex) friendly
• Affordable (within my budget)
• Accessible (no or few stairs to climb)
• Washer and Dryer hookup
• Location (close to or in the city)
• Enough space for me and my books

On Monday, when Tasha—the housekeeper that the Veterans Administration supplies to do the household chores that I am unable to do—came here, we began packing those things (my 2,000 or so books) that I do not need to use in my day to day living:

Taking action is, for me, stimulating. I find that I am now moving in a positive direction and can actually see light at the end of the tunnel.

Then, on Tuesday, the young man who purchased the house came by with an appraiser to (what else) appraise the house so that he can obtain a loan to purchase it. Again, we discussed the possibility of my remaining in the house as a renter.

Soooooooo, now I have another option to consider. I am in the process of listing the pros and cons of remaining here as a tenant. And I don’t have all of the information I need to complete the evaluation: until the young man obtains a loan, he has no idea what his mortgage payments will be for the house and therefore, we cannot discuss or negotiate rental fees and I can’t fill in the second of the criteria (affordability) I’ve set for deciding where to go.

The “J” in me is frustrated. I want to make a decision and get on with it! And so I am tempted to pray:

Lord, give me patience and give it to me NOW!

Gleanings and a Dropping

glean

Pronunciation: ‚gl‡n
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English glenen, from Middle French glener, from Late Latin glennare, of Celtic origin; akin to Old Irish doglenn he selects
Date: 14th century

intransitive senses
1 : to gather grain or other produce left by reapers
2 : to gather information or material bit by bit
transitive senses
1 a : to pick up after a reaper b : to strip (as a field) of the leavings of reapers
2 a : to gather (as information) bit by bit b : to pick over in search of relevant material ²gleaning old files for information³
3 : find out

Many years ago, in a Jewish commentary on The Torah, I encountered the concept of gleanings. It's based the transitive sense of glean as defined in definition 2 above: a gathering of bits of knowledge from the text that are often less than obvious and not readily reaped.

Usually what we glean comes from an external source, as the gleaning of the leavings of the reaper comes from the grain that has fallen from the wheat. However, I have learned that we can also glean from our own actions and thoughts what is not obvious even to us if we are willing to spend the time searching through the chaff of our lives for the gleanings on the threshing floor.

Recently Vishwa wrote about what I interpreted as "trust." Perhaps that wasn't his prime purpose, but it is what I gleaned from his words. That may be because I have been dealing with the questions of whether or not I am too trusting of people; if I allow people to take advantage of me, my grace and generosity.

When the last congregation I served decided that they could not have both a pastor and maintain their huge old church building and thus decided to keep the building while dismissing the pastor, I was spiritually wounded. I had no desire to immediately pastor another congregation or join my also wounded predecessor in retirement. I had quite a bit (for me) of money in the bank and investments and believed I would have paying employment in the near future. (After almost four years of job searching that proved to be a poor forecast).

Almost immediately after I entered the rolls of the unemployed, the ex-wife of the pastor of my home church asked my assistance in saving a night club she owned. I spent the next six or so months working with her and investing about $15,000 before she gave up and sold the club. I lost the money, even though a large part of it was in the form of (unsecured) loans. Some of my friends and my attorney told me I was a sucker to have been drawn into it. My thought and rationalization was that I had the money and she had the need and....

About the same time, I loaned a man money to open a restaurant that had been life dream. It lasted less than a year, he had a heart attack, and couldn't repay me.

In the following years, I have allowed folks to stay in my house and have been literally robbed by them. I have fed and assisted sojourners and the homeless with food, clothing, and shelter. Eventually, I began to run out of money and you know the results of that.

My gleaning from these experiences is that I may be too trusting. Or, as one of my peers tells me, that I wear a flashing neon sign on my back that draws people in need (or con artists) to me. True or not, I am faced with the reality that I would not have gotten into my present financial crisis had I not given so much of my own resources to others.

There are more gleanings from my experiences over the past four or so years that I have separated from the chaff of the threshing floor that I do not pretend to understand. One may be more of a dropping that a gleaning.

dropping
Function: noun
Date: 14th century

1 : something dropped
2 plural : dung

This dropping (2nd definition) is that every person I have aided in the past several years and who I now realize I allowed to con me or steal from me has been a drug addict or an alcoholic. I suspect that this realization is tied to my own childhood. I must work on what this means for my future.

ADDENDUM:

Thomas has given me new gleanings regarding the dropping:

All suffering comes from the wish for your own happiness;
Perfect Buddhas are born from the thought to help others.
~Ngolchu Thogme Rinpoche (1295-1369)

and

If you ask a poor person for a sandwich, he's likely to give you part of his. If you ask a rich person for a sandwich, he's likely to tell you to tell you that he worked very hard to accumulate all his sandwiches, that he deserves all these sandwiches, and you should go get your own. - Thomas

Perhaps my sharing of what I have is not in line in the ways of this American culture, but may be the Way God intended?

We look to the day when sharing by all will me scarcity of none. (Eucharist Prayer, United Church of Christ Book of Worship)

Seer???

Seer
Pronunciation: ‚sir, ‚s‡-„r
Function: noun
Date: 14th century

1. one that sees
2 a: one that predicts events or developments b: a person credited with extraordinary moral and spiritual insight

One of the profiles for my INFJ personality preference profile says that I supposedly have "the capabilities of a seer." If so, than some of my experiences today may confirm that:

(1) I knew that the bureaucracy of the Veterans Administration would not be as simple as I had been told. Whether that was because of some special insight that I have within me or because of my twelve years experience as a state bureaucrat, I don't know, but when I finally found the clinic to which I had been directed, I learned that I must first go through Intake at the VA Hospital before I can be served. Doug did not have the time to drive me to the hospital, so I must begin the trek again tomorrow.

(2) My greatest fear in this whole experience came true today. When we arrived at my house to pick up my mail and feed Alex, I could not find him. I called for Alex from the front yard and from the back. He never came. I pray that Alex is OK. I did refill his food bowls, which after a week were empty. I pray he is OK and that I'll see him whenever I can obtain another ride to my house.

If I do have seer abilities (which I truly doubt) they missed the most positive experience of the day. When I arrived back at my mother's home, there was a phone message from Nick, my oldest son. He came by, took me out for an excellent steak dinner, and will transport me to the VA hospital tomorrow. And, if we have the time, back to my house to again seek Alex.

I decided that it was not wisdom that enabled [poets] to write their poetry, but a kind of instinct or inspiration, such as you find in seers and prophets who deliver all their sublime messages without knowing in the least what they mean. ~ Socrates, in Apology, sct. 21, by Plato.

Trying to Center

The insights I received from those Color Quizzes I took the other day plus a beginning spiritual renewal from the Lenten disciplines seem to have me feeling more centered. At one point last night, the flu (or as Susie might call it, "WTF"), or whatever has a grip on me, had my muscles aching and my chest congested. I couldn't sleep. So I got out of bed and suddenly remembered the soothing power of music. I have frequently forgotten that over the past year or so.

I found a CD entitled Compassion: A Special Message from His Holiness The Dalai Lama. The chants (Buddhist and Christian) and the words of the Dalai Lama and Thomas Merton were so calming and soothing that I no longer felt the pain and soon fell asleep. I find it strange that, when in the most need, I forget about resources that can aid me.

This morning I played the CD again and again. One track, Pie Jesu, I found to be especially centering. So I began the process of job searching with a hope I have not had in many months. Perhaps my hope was misplaced. For example, one job promised the income I need and the Internet job listing said I could begin immediately-even today. When I clicked the "apply button" I was transported to a new site that had a lot of hype expanding on the original job listing. I clicked the "next" button and completed a rather short application, basically about how to contact me. I wondered at the application not requesting information about my education or work experience, but WTF, I am desperate. So, after filling in the required information, I clicked "next" and what I found turned my stomach: I was instructed to insert credit card information and authorize a $300.00 initial "investment" fee plus an on-going charge of $29.95 per month to obtain the "job."

I learned my lesson working for Liberty National Life Insurance Company! My charges and fees for that job plus my expenses for travel and telephone and "supplies" were almost $2,000.00. And the commissions they paid me were less than $800.00. Plus, according the the Liberty National representative it took me three months to locate, I will never receive the commissions I earned on the life and health polices I sold to Commonwealth of Kentucky employees. As desperate as I am, I will never again "pay" for a job, no matter what the promises are.

By noon I almost lost my centered feeling and hope. However, God does send angels. An old friend, Ann, who had been president of the Kentuckiana Association of the United Church of Christ immediately prior to me becoming president (and later moderator) telephoned. Hearing her voice helped me re-center, as did her promise to visit me over the coming weekend and help me decipher all of these bills and threatening letters I have received. (If I could just find a way to turn off my telephone and avoid the thirty or so calls I receive each day from three collection agencies, I would be more centered).

I learned in seminary that all sermons need to end with "good news." This isn't a sermon, but as I re-read what I have written, I realize that it is seems to me to be as bleak as a "hell, fire, and damnation" sermon delivered by a fundamentalist Baptist preacher. So I'll end with some good news.

My mother is doing much better at the rehab center and no longer complains about the rehab activities. She is even talking about returning to her home, which I so much more positive than her words about wanting to die.

The weather here is finally warm! At the moment the outside temperature is 50 F and Alex is out catting around.

In my last post, Anonymous wrote that he wished I had posted a better photo of the pyx in which I hold my Ash Wednesday ashes. I admit that the photographs I took were poor, even though I tried several times. I really needed to mount my camera on its tripod, but I couldn't find it. I did do a quick search of Internet sites that sell clergy supplies and found the picture below which is the same as my pyx:

Color Quiz

This is too damned accurate!

Nick took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from s..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

ADDENDUM

Many years ago, when I was at the Kent School of Social Work, I was introduced to the Lüscher Color Test, a psychological test invented by Dr. Max Lüscher. In those days we accessed the test from the book written by Dr. Lüscher: it the back of the book, in a slot similar to what we once found in the back of library books, were were cards, each one a different, solid color. To take the test, we would arrange the cards in order of our preference for its color. Then we would find the results within the book, each card and its placement among the others giving a different psychological reading.

We students expressed our amazement at the accuracy of the results. It wasn't that the results gave us great insight into our psychological make-up, but did seem to provide an accurate reading of our emotions at the moment we selected the order of the cards. Due to changes in our situations and emotions, we would obtain different results if we took the test at another time.

The Color Quiz is evidently an online and much simplified version of the Lüscher Color Test. I must note that, no matter how accurate the results seem, they are (1) a cross section of the taker at the moment he/she took the test and (2) more of a parlor game than a actual psychological test. (I say that realizes that the online test I took yesterday seemed to me to be extremely accurate at that moment and even gave me some insight into what is going on with me).

Thus, I took the online test again this afternoon and came up with these results, which are a bit different than the results of yesterday, but still quite accurate in describing me at the moment of the quiz:

Nick took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Feels the situation is hopeless. Strongly resists ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.